The Akatsuki Stories
by SecondAsian
Summary: Read it. It's funny and mells like Chalupas!
1. Hungry!

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer:I don't own Naruto, or Sasuke, or Sakura or the Akatsuki!Or anybody.

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki. I know, bad summary...

**Chapter I**

**Hungry!**

It was a bright and sunny morning in the Akatsuki lair. As usual, everybody was lined up at the bathroom door, waiting for their turns to pee(I know, disgusting!). Zetsu was about to have breakfast when Leader made an announcment.

"Today, the butcher shop is closed, so, sorry Zetsu. No meat today. In other news, Deidara's left hand is on vacation in the Village Hidden in Hawaii, so it'll return one week from now! That is all."

Zetsu stood up, devastated.

" No MEAT?"

Suddenly, Tobi was skipping out of the bathroom, looking very relieved. Then, Zetsu was even hungrier than before! Not standing it anymore, he ran after Tobi, with... A KNIFE AND A FORK IN HIS HANDS!??

"MEAT!!!!"

Zetsu charged at Tobi, throwing his knife at the Akatsuki member's head!

Tobi then dodged it, looking like Neo from the Matrix. Zetsu, mad he didn't nail Tobi in the head,chased after hin.

"WHAAA!!!!"screamed Tobi at the top of his lungs.

Zetsu was close when he crashed into Hidan(Tobi crashed into Hidan, not Zetsu, cause if Zetsu crashed into Hidan, he'd run him over.).

"What idiotic thing are you doing now, Tobi?"Hidan asked.

"Running!"said Tobi, running past the emo member.

"Meat fast! Meat go away! Must run faster!" said Zetsu, throwing his fork this time.

Tobi dodged the fork, but it stuck him to the wall he was about to crash into!

"Meat stuck to wall! Now meat can't get away!"yelled Zetsu happily.

Just as Zetsu was about to eat Tobi, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it, yeah!" said Deidara , heading for the door.

Opening it, he saw a teen wearing a Pizza Hut uniform standing with a bunch of pizzas in his arms.

" Did you order 2 Meat Lover's, 3 cheese, 5 pepperoni, and 2 ham pizzas?" asked the delivery boy.

"Yes, un." answered Deidara.

" Then that'll be $127.58." said the teen.

It was pretty hard for Deidara to give him the money with ONE hand, but he prevailed. After taking the pizzas, with the help of Kakuzu, of course, he set them on the table.

Smelling the pizzas, Zetsu ignored Tobi and headed for the table, mouth drooling.

"Thanks for ordering pizzas and saving my life Deidara-sempai."said Tobi, still hanging by the fork.

"What did I do,un?" asked the confused Deidara,"I ust ordered pizzas because we're out of food and we're too lazy to pick up groceries."

"Great!"replied Tobi"Now can somebody get me down from here?"

**THE**

**END**


	2. Leader Plays Dr Phil Part 1: Therapy

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I still don't own Naruto

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki. I know, bad summary...

**Chapter II**

**Leader Plays Dr Phil**

**Part I: Therapy**

It was noon and all the Akatsuki members were either sitting around, bleeding to death over and over again, or annoying the other members.Then, Leader made an announcment.

" Members, today at 3:00, you will come to the Rehab Room and recieve THERAPY."

All the other members were shocked. Deidara spit his coffee in Tobi's mask. Tobi was running around complaining about the sting in his right eye. Hidan was stabbing himself and bleeding to death even more quickly. Kisame and Zetsu were covering their "ears" and yelling. Itachi stayed calm for some reason.

"Be quiet, you lunatics! Now I know this is sudden, but I just watched Dr. Phil while trying to find "Dukes of Hazzard".

" CURSE YOU,DR.PHIL!!!" screamed Kisame, everyone ignoring him.

"But why do we need therapy in the first place?" asked Itachi.

"Because all of you have mental problems."said Leader"Take yourself for example Itachi. You killed your entire clan and left only your little brother alive. Why?"

" I-I don't know." answered Itachi ," I guess I was bored and left my brother alive because the sword was getting dull."

"See? If Itachi has mental problems, then the rest of you might have mental problems!" said Leader, "So, come by the Rehab room and recieve therapy today!"

3 hours later...

In the Rehab Room, Leader was reading a book called " Dr. Phil Knows Best"( not a real book). Then the door opened. It was Itachi.

" I came for the therapy" said Itachi.

" All right, then," said Leader, " lie down."

Itachi lied down on the patient couch and lied there.

" Now, tell me about how you turned evil." said the Dr. Phil Leader.

" I guess it started when I killed my first person." answered Itachi.

"And who was this person?" asked Leader.

" Our old neighbor's cat" said Itachi.

" But a cat's not a person." said Leader

" Fine then." said Itachi , " The first person I killed was my best friend."

" Who was your best friend?" askes Leader.

" A cat." answered Itachi. Leader then got a massive sweat drop anime-style.

1 hour of pointless therapy later ...

Leader came out of the Rehab Room, right eye twitching. The other members were out on missions while Tobi was watching One Piece on TV. At commercial, Tobi went to check on Itachi. When he went to the Rehab Room, he saw Itachi reading a book called " Dr. Phil: Side Effects of the Therapy".

"Itachi, what are you doing?" asked Tobi.

" Getting rid of the therapy." he answered.

"Why?" asked Tobi again.

" For some reason, I can't activate the Mangeyko Sharingan after therapy for at least 4-6 weeks." said Itachi plainly.

" How'd you know that?" asked the orange masked member.

" It's Side Effect #40,345,213." said Itachi, showing the page to Tobi.

" I feel sorry for you Itachi." said Tobi.

" And it all started when the Leader played Dr.Phil." said Itachi, pointing down at Leader who had collapsed from Dr. Phil Overload.

**The**

**End**


	3. Akatsuki Go on Vacation! Part 1: Announc

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I STILL don't own Naruto!

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki. I know, bad summary...

**Chapter III**

**Akatsuki Go on Vacation!**

**Part I: The Announcement**

It was just a normal summer afternoon when Tobi crashed through the door.

" Deidara-sempai! Deidara-sempai!"screamed Tobi.

" What is it, Tobi, un?" asked a tired Deidara.

" Zetsu is dying!" yelled Tobi, showing Deidara Zetsu. Tobi was right. Zetsu's Venus flytrap thing were drooping, and he was as limp as a flower. Also, there were flies buzzing above him.

" W-water..." was all the plant could say. Kisame was also in the same condition, needing water.

" Tobi know a place with water!" said Tobi.

" And that would be WHERE, yeah?" asked Deidara.

" To the pool hall!!" cried Tobi, pointing out the door.

" You pea-brain" said Itachi, " a pool hall is where people play pool."

" Besides, the best place to cool off is the blood bank!" said Hidan, about to cut himself.

" Why the blood bank?" asked Itachi.

" Tobi think it's because they freeze the blood." pointed out Tobi.

" This is obviously an excuse to get blood, yeah!" said Deidara.

" I know what I'd do!" said Sasori.

" What?" asked Tobi.

" I'd have someone take me apart and stuff me in the freezer!" answered Sasori. Everybody sweat-dropped. Suddenly, Leader had an announcement.

" Tommorow is the annual 1 week vacation." announced Leader, " Does anybody have any ideas?" Deidara raised his hand, "How about we go to the Land of Snow, un? I hear it's cool there, yeah."

" Interesting." said Leader, " Any other ideas?"

" To the POOL HA-"

" TOBI, SHUT UP, YEAH!!!!" screamed Deidara. Seeing Deidara's reaction, everybody kept their mouths shut.

" No ideas?" asked Leader , " Well, I guess it's settled. In two days we're going to the Land of Snow! So pack your jackets, cocoa mugs, clothes, cash, and " Snowball Fighting for Dummies" Guides by... What's today?"

" Tuesday!" answered Tobi.

After 3 hours of calculating, Leader said , " ...Wednesday!"

And so, the Akatsuki prepared for their vacation to the Land of Snow.

**To Be Continued...**


	4. AGoV! Part 2: Preparation

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I do not- why do i even bother!? you already get the message!

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki. I know, bad summary...

**Chapter IV**

**The Akatsuki Go On Vacation!**

**Part II: Preparation**

Tobi was skipping around his room, packing up for the trip. He put in his suitcase toothpaste, his toothbrush, extra clothes, and his " #1 Annoying Member Mug" .

"Hmmmmmm..."

" Tobi wonder what else he should bring!" Tobi walked down the hall, wondering what else to bring. Then, Deidara came out of his room, carrying two suitcases marked " Dei's Stuff" and the other one " Hands' stuff." Tobi, out of complete idiocy, walked into Deidara's room. He then saw a book on Dei's desk. It was yellow and it had black words on it that said "Dei's Diary. NO TOUCHIE!!!" Ignoring the No Touchie, Tobi picked up the book.

" Sempai's diary? " wondered Tobi. After two seconds of thought, Tobi said, " Gonna need this."

When Deidara came back...

" WHERE IS IT,UN!!!??" screamed Deidara. His room was a mess because he was looking for his diary. Hidan then walked by the room, confused.

" Dei?" said Hidan.

Deidara was startled and he turned to see Hidan holding a magazine called " Emo Monthly".

" What do you want, yeah?" asked Dei.

" I just wanted to ask you where Tobi hid my Special Edition "Emo Monthly" magazine." said the emo, " Tobi's been hiding a lot of books lately."

" Of course...un..." said Deidara evilly, " Tobi...un..."

Back at Tobi's room...

"Lalalalalalaaaaa" sang Tobi, packing all his stuff. Just then, Deidara was standing in his doorway with a sinister glare on his face.

" Deidara-sempai!" said Tobi, waving to his partner.

" Give...me...the book...un." Dei said, glaring at Tobi even more.

"You mean this book?" asked Deidara, holding his diary. Deidara then charged at Tobi, trying to get his book. But for some reason, Tobi's long arms kept him at a safe distance.

" You won't give me the book,un?" asked Deidara, " Fine. I'll TAKE the book, yeah!"Deidara then kicked Tobi in the shin and took his diary.

"YEAH,YEAH! Now nobody will know I keep a diary!" yelled Dei, victorious. But he wasn't because all of the Akatsuki were in the doorway, and they heard every word.

" Oh, snap, un..." Just then, Leader had an announcement.

" We will be leaving for the Land of Snow in 1 hour everybody!"

**To Be Continued...**


	5. AGoV! Part 3: To The Akatsuki Mobile!

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I do not- why do i even bother!? you already get the message!

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki. I know, bad summary...

**Chapter IV**

**The Akatsuki Go On Vacation!**

**Part II: Preparation**

Tobi was skipping around his room, packing up for the trip. He put in his suitcase toothpaste, his toothbrush, extra clothes, and his " #1 Annoying Member Mug" .

"Hmmmmmm..."

" Tobi wonder what else he should bring!" Tobi walked down the hall, wondering what else to bring. Then, Deidara came out of his room, carrying two suitcases marked " Dei's Stuff" and the other one " Hands' stuff." Tobi, out of complete idiocy, walked into Deidara's room. He then saw a book on Dei's desk. It was yellow and it had black words on it that said "Dei's Diary. NO TOUCHIE!!!" Ignoring the No Touchie, Tobi picked up the book.

" Sempai's diary? " wondered Tobi. After two seconds of thought, Tobi said, " Gonna need this."

When Deidara came back...

" WHERE IS IT,UN!!!??" screamed Deidara. His room was a mess because he was looking for his diary. Hidan then walked by the room, confused.

" Dei?" said Hidan.

Deidara was startled and he turned to see Hidan holding a magazine called " Emo Monthly".

" What do you want, yeah?" asked Dei.

" I just wanted to ask you where Tobi hid my Special Edition "Emo Monthly" magazine." said the emo, " Tobi's been hiding a lot of books lately."

" Of course...un..." said Deidara evilly, " Tobi...un..."

Back at Tobi's room...

"Lalalalalalaaaaa" sang Tobi, packing all his stuff. Just then, Deidara was standing in his doorway with a sinister glare on his face.

" Deidara-sempai!" said Tobi, waving to his partner.

" Give...me...the book...un." Dei said, glaring at Tobi even more.

"You mean this book?" asked Deidara, holding his diary. Deidara then charged at Tobi, trying to get his book. But for some reason, Tobi's long arms kept him at a safe distance.

" You won't give me the book,un?" asked Deidara, " Fine. I'll TAKE the book, yeah!"Deidara then kicked Tobi in the shin and took his diary.

"YEAH,YEAH! Now nobody will know I keep a diary!" yelled Dei, victorious. But he wasn't because all of the Akatsuki were in the doorway, and they heard every word.

" Oh, snap, un..." Just then, Leader had an announcement.

" We will be leaving for the Land of Snow in 1 hour everybody!"

**To Be Continued...**


	6. AGoV! Part 4: Chaos on the Road

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine and never will be!

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki...I know, bad summary.

**Chapter VI**

**Akatsuki Go on Vacation!**

**Part IV: Chaos on the Road!**

" WHOO!! VACATION!!" yelled Tobi, running around the Akatsuki Mobile, flailing his arms in the air.

" TOBI, SHUT UP!!!" yelled the Akatsuki.

" Tobi sorry. Tobi just excited!"

" Tobi, we're going on a 1 week vacation, NOT A TRIP AROUND THE WORLD!!" said Leader. And he had a point! Tobi was carrying 10 suitcases of stuff, all bulging with stuff!

"Tobi, un?"

" Yes, Deidara-sempai!?"

" What's with all the suitcases, yeah?"

" They're for Tobi's new BOOK COLLECTION!!"

Everybody sweatdropped.

" Wait a minute!" said Leader, " Aren't those the missing books Hidan was talking about?"

" Uh, no?" claimed Tobi nervously.

" Hey! This is my "Jaws" video!" said Kisame.

" And these are my missing jutsu scrolls!" claimed Itachi.

" And my gardening magazine!" said Zetsu. Everybody sweatdropped.

" Tobi..." said the Akatsuki.

" Um... Tobi think we swhould focus on vacation!" said Tobi, changing the subject, " Not turning me into a small pile of blood and gore."

" RIGHT!" yelled Leader, popping out of nowhere, Everybody, IN THE AKATSUKI MOBILE!!!!'

He then pointed to a black Volkswagen bus with red clouds painted on it. The Akatsuki piled into the bus, putting their suitcases ( the ones they stole from Tobi, of course) in the back.

" Tobi gets to drive, right Leader?" asked Tobi.

" Of course!" answered Leader.

" NOOO!!!" cried the Akatsuki minus Leader and Tobi.

Tobi then got behind the wheel and drove the car. But he crashed throgh the garage wall!

" TOBI, PUT IT IN REVERSE, YA PEA-BRAIN!!" yelled Hidan.

Tobi listened, but he crashed throught the garage door!

" NEXT TIME REMEMBER TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR IDIOT!!" yelled Kakuzu.

Tobi didn't bother, because there was a Volkswagen-shaped hole in the door!

The orang masked member drove down the road, but in order to avoid crashing into another car, Tobi swerved into a McDonalds!!! There was a clerk next to him since the car was now inside McDonalds. The members heard Tobi say something about Chicken Selects and a Powerade with fries on the side, and in 5 minutes, Tobi passed out Big Macs and Chicken Selects to the Akatsuki!

" Thank you!" said Tobi to the clerk.

" HEY! YOU FORGOT TO PAY!!!" they heard the clerk say. They thought they were safe until they saw the same clerk behind them with a MACHINE GUN!

" YOU PAY ME $30.87 RIGHT NOW!!!" said the clerk.

" YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!!!" yelled Tobi. Everybody had gigantic sweatdrops now. The clerk fired the gun, giving them a flat tire! Tobi threw a kunai, stabbing the clerk! Now the clerk fell out of the car, which was now spinning out of control. It then crashed into a fireworks factory and...

BOOM!!!!

Cars were flying everywhere and the explosion was close behind the Akatsuki Mobile, which couldn't go past 40mph with a flat.

" WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!" shouted Leader.

" Not if I can help it!" said Deidara heroically.

He took out some exploding clay and threw it behind them. It made them fly across an oil field, making them think they were safe.

" (sigh), we're safe now," said Deidara.

" THREE CHEERS FOR DEI!!" yelled Leader. The Akatsuki then started cheering.

" HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!! HIP HIP-"

They couldn't say "hooray" because the explosion reached the oil field,which an even BIGGER explosion, which reached the bus and made it fly into the air!!!

-WE HATE YOU!!!" said the Akatsuki, replacing the "hooray" with a "we hate you".

**Micro**-**Chapter**

**Tobi Drinks Red Bull**

The Akatsuki had flew throught the air, now falling. The flightless members fell to random places on Earth. But Tobi thought fast! Wait a minute! Didn't he buy Red Bull at McDonalds? He quickly opened it and gulped down the energy drink.

"Don't worry, Deidara-sempai!, I'll save you!"

Tobi dove down and tried to catch Deidara.

" Oh great, un. He's even more annoying with wings, un."

**To Be Continued...**

Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you! In my story, the mystery member's not in here and all the members are still alive. Sorry for if you were confused before! --U


	7. AGoV! Part 5: Deserted in the Desert

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Just a bunch of short stories about what might be going on in the Akatsuki... bad summary.

**Chapter VII**

**AGoV! **

**Part V: Deserted in the Desert!**

Sasori woke up to see that he has lost his whole entire body on impact!

" Hello? Is anybody here at all?" he asked. He was the only one for miles. The head then broke down crying because he needed to go to the bathroom but he had to hold it because he couldn't pee without a body.

" I'm all alone!!!" he cried out to the wind. But he wasn't. Since he landed in between two small mounds of sand and couldn't move his head at all, he couldn't see that Deidara and Tobi crashed next to him.

" Where am I, un?"

" Tobi think we're in desert!"

The two were startled when they heard a weak yet familiar voice.

" Meat..."

"Zetsu, yeah?"

The two of them tried to pull him out of the hole he made when he crashed. Then, Deidara tripped over Sasori's head, which started yelling at him.

" ARE ALL GIRLS LIKE YOU CLUMSY!?" yelled the head.

" WHO'RE YOU CALLING A GIRL, YA DISEMBODIED FREAK, UN!!??" yelled back Deidara.

" WHY DONT YOU COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE,YOU SISSY!!??" Sasori shouted at Deidara.

" BRING IT!!" said Dei, bringing out some clay.

"Meat..." said Zetsu weakly.

" Tobi a good boy!" said Tobi, who still had wings.

Everybody started arguing until they heard some distant grumbling.

" What's that, un?" wondered Deidara, turning his head to the noise.

Everybody turned to the noise and saw a pyramid.

" House!" yelled Tobi, flying to the pyramid.

Everybody followed him, the grumbling louder. When they were just outside the pyramid, they saw the source of the noise: thousands of mummies were exiting the pyramid. The Akatsuki had there jaws crashed to the floor, with the exception of Sasori, of course. After the parade of mummified people, there was one mummy being carried by others, who had a crown on its head.

" All hail, Tut." the mummies said, bowing to their undead Pharaoh. When Tut grumbled some words, the undead charged at the Akatsuki!

" Time for some serious mummy bashing!" said Deidara, holding his explosive clay.

The group of mummies then closed in on the Akatsuki members...

**To Be Continued...**


	8. AGoV! Part 6: The Transylvanian Translat

**The Akatsuki Stories **

Disclaimer: Naruto I don't own.

**Chapter VII**

**Akatsuki Go on Vacation!**

**Part VI: The Transylvanian****Translator**

Itachi woke to see that he was not up in the air anymore. He had landed near a spooky old castle that looked like something in Scooby Doo. He turned next to him to see that Hidan was bleeding very much and that he was.. smiling? Go figure.

" Hidan, why are you smiling?" asked Itachi.

"Bleeding to death, I'm immortal, do the math" said Hidan.

" Where are we anyway?" wondered Itachi.

" Transylvania." said Hidan instantly.

" How do you know?" asked Itachi.

" 1., I have cousins here" said Hidan, " and 2." Hidan pointed at the sign that said: WELCOME TO TRANSYLVANIA!

" How could I have missed that?" asked Itachi.

" You forgot your contacts, eh Itachi?" said Hidan.

" Their eyeglasses." said Itachi, " Now how do we get out of here?"

" Maybe we can ask Cousin Drake!" said Hidan, pointing at a guy with white skin.

" BLOOD!" said Cousin Drake.

" He says hi" translated Hidan.( Real translation: I want your BLOOD!)

" Are you sure you can understand your cousin?" asked Itachi nervously.

" Sure I can!" said Hidan, " Cousin Drake, how far is Konoha?"

" BLoOD, BLLLOOOD-d-D" said Cousin Drake.

" He says it's right over those hills"translated Hidan, pointing out to an akward formation of hills. (Real translation: This is another dimension, dimwit!)

" Okay then, let's go!" said Itachi, pointing towards the hills.

" Bye Cousin Drake!" said Hidan, following Itachi.

" BLOOOD OD BLO!" said Cousin Drake.

" He said take care!" translated Hidan.( Real translation:YOU DIMWIT!! THAT'S THE WEREWOLVE'S NEST! YOU'LL BE RIPPED TO SHREDS!!)

But Itachi and Hidan didn't know, so they continued through the hills, unaware of the werewolves...

**To Be Continued...**


	9. AGoV Part7:Mummies and Werewolves Attack

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to some Japanese guy.

**Chapter IX**

**Akatsuki Go on Vacation!**

**Part VII: Mummies and Werewolves Attack!**

DESERT HALF

Deidara, Tobi, and Zetsu were fighting the mummies.

" Sempai, watch out!" said Tobi when Dei had 10 mummies behind him.

" No problem!" said Deidara, throwing some clay at them. BOOM went the mummies! ATTACK went Tut! I NEED TO GO went Sasori! The battle raged on between man, plant( in Zetsu's case) and mummy! Tobi was just running around, being chased by giant mummified scorpions! Deidara blew away the mummies and Zetsu went for Tut. But the mummy servants kept him away. Just then, Sasori's head rolled into the battle.

" Well, I'm useless without a body!" said Sasori.

But then, he saw... an Akatsuki cloak at the top of the pyramid? It was his body! But how would he get it back?

" Tobi! Could you fly up there and get my body!?" asked Sasori.

" Sure!" said Tobi. He flew to the top of the pyramid and... WHOOSH! BAM! An arrow had stuck Tobi's wings into the pyramid! But the arrow and the wings then hovered to Tut, leaving Tobi flightless! Tobi grabbed the body, but crashed on top of a scorpion!

" YEEHAW!" yelled Tobi as he herded the mummies back in the pyramid.

But Tut stayed out and faced the Akatsuki with his new WINGS!

" You better go back inside if you know what's good for you, Tut" said Sasori, " because I have my body back!"

" And give Tobi back his wings!" said Tobi.

" I think we should let Tut keep them, un!" said Dei, " Tobi's less annoying without them anyway, yeah."

Everyone agreed with Dei, Tobi getting very very angry and crazy.

" Fine!" yelled Tobi, " I'll get them myself!"

Tobi charged at Tut with... A CHAINSAW!? Tut flew inside the pyramid. Tobi followed and many screams are heard inside.

" Maybe I should bomb the pyramid while Tobi's inside, un." suggested Deidara.

" Even though how much we agree with you," said Sasori, " I think we should just ditch him."

" Yeah," agreed Deidara, " you're right, yeah. All who agree with ditching Tobi, un?"

Zetsu and Sasori raised their hands.

" Good, yeah!" said Dei, " Now all I have to do is make a clay bird and... uh oh."

" What 'uh oh' ?" asked Sasori.

" I'm out of clay, un!" said Dei, " Does anybody have Red Bull with them, un?"

" No." said Sasori, " The only one with Red Bull is..."

Sasori pointed to the pyramid where the engine of a chainsaw and the screams of mummies could be heard.

" No way am I going in there, un." said Deidara.

" Fine then," said Sasori, " I'll go."

" Bring me some mummy meat while your in there!" said Zetsu excitedly.

Sasori walked through the hole in the pyramid and vanished inside.

Inside the pyramid...

Deep inside the pyramid, Tobi was going medieval on the mummies.

" WHERE"S MY WINGS!!!!??" yelled the insane, "evil dead" Tobi.

Many mummy parts were scattered on the pyramid floor, still alive and running around. Tut stood up from his throne, staff in hand. He pointed it at Tobi and out came a stream of fire! Tobi was burnt, but he now had a FLAMING CHAINSAW! Tobi and Tut squared off, mano o mummyo.

two rooms away from Tobi, Sasori was searching for Tobi. He went into a room to his left and saw mummy blood and mummy parts scattered everywhere. On the wall, someone had scratched " TOBI WAS HERE" with a chainsaw. Go figure. But where was Tobi? Sasori then heard the revving of chainsaw in front of him. He opened the door and saw a throne room where Tobi and Tut were having their showdown.

" Hey Tobi!" Sasori yelled from across the room.

" Yeah?" Tobi had stopped and Tut fired a flood of acid from above.

" IT STINGS!!!" yelled Tobi, drenched with acid.

Tut lowered to the ground and swung his staff at Tobi's head. WHACK! Tobi flew across the room and landed outside the pyramid at Deidara's feet.

" BOMB THE PLACE MAN!" yelled Tobi, grabbing Deidara's bag of clay. He scraped out some dried up clay and threw it inside the pyramid, landing at Sasori's feet.

" OH SNAP!!" yelled Sasori as the clay blew up.

BOOOOOM!!!!

The pyramid bricks flew everywhere as mummy parts rained out of the sky. Sasori's head then flew into Deidara's hands and his body landed on top of Tobi.

" You idiot." said the head to Tobi, who was unconcious from Sasori's body. Zetsu picked up Tobi and Sasori with much effort.

" Dang, Sasori! What have you been eating!? This thing's like a ton of bricks!" complained Zetsu.

Suddenly, Sasori's fist shot up and slammed against Zetsu's white cheek. Deidara then looked in Tobi's pockets for Red Bull and found a Fruit Gusher. Not knowing the effects of eating one, his hand gobbled it up and it turned into a watermelon! The hand then fell to the ground and was quickly eaten up by desert animals.

" Aw man, un!" said Dei," that's the 3rd hand this week!"

Zetsu connected Sasori's head to its body and Deidara punched Tobi into conciousness.

Tobi complained, but Dei kept his mouth shut by punching the part of his mask where the mouth should be.

" Where should we go now?" asked Sasori.

" We should go over those hills." said Zetsu.

The group then walked over to the hills, hoping to go back to Konoha soon.

WEREWOLF NEST HALF

10 minutes after walking through the hills, Itachi and Hidan came across the nest. The nest was protected by a gigantic wall with the entrance shaped like the face of a werewolf. The door was being guarded by two werewolves dressed in spiked armor. They were carrying axes and maces in each hand.

" They look friendly!" said Hidan.

" You think everything that can make you bleed is friendly." said Itachi calmly.

The werewolves then looked at them, pointing their weapons at Hidan.

" IMMORTAL!" they said.

Itachi and Hidan sweatdropped. An alarm could be heard inside the wall. Then, the werewolves charged at them.

" I'll take the fat one." said Itachi, activating the Mangeykou Sharingan

" I'll take the other fat one." said Hidan, drawing out his scythe.

The first werewolf faced Hidan. The immortal sliced off the werewolf's arm, making it cry out in pain. Taking the blood, Hidan prepared the ritual and defeated the wolf.

Now it was Itachi's turn, and the werewolf brought down its axe. Itachi dodged it, kicking down the wolf. While it was down, Itavhi trapped it in Tsukuyomi. An instant later, the werewolf was paralyzed in fear.

" What'd you do to him?" asked Hidan.

" Made him imagine Jiraiya stripping." said Itachi.

Hidan was very wide-eyed and grossed out from hearing this.

" Good thing you didn't use it on me!" said Hidan.

" Actually, I made you imagine the same thing." said Itachi.

" Then how come I don't remember?" asked Hidan.

" You passed out." answered Itachi.

The two entered the nest, seeing lots of wolves and werewolves staring at Hidan.

" Hello!" said Hidan, "I like blood!"

Hearing these words, the werewolves charged at Hidan.

" You need to work on your social skills, Hidan." said Itachi.

" I'll be thinking about that!" said Hidan, having already slaughtered everything that went against him.

" Do you want to get some food?" asked Itachi, pointing to a McDonald's the werewolves probably made.

" Okay!" said the immortal, following Itachi to the restaurant.

After eating, they left the nest and walked through another pattern of hills, where they saw a small valley.

" What's that?" asked Hidan, pointing to a black airplane.

" That'll get us home." said Itachi.

The two went inside the plane, suprised. When they went in the cockpit, Deidara and Sasori were in the pilot seats!

" WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE!!??" they all asked at the same time.

" Does anybody know where Tobi and Zetsu are?" asked Hidan.

" They're checking for snacks in the back of the plane." said Sasori.

" Do you actually know how to fly this thing?" asked Itachi, "You can barely steer a clay bird to avoid hitting a mountain."

So you just happen to sit on the wing that broke off and you think I can't drive, un?" said Dei, offended.

" Tobi bring snacks!" yelled Tobi, crashing throught the door, " There's peanuts, soda, and lemonade!"

" All right then, un!" said Deidara, holding the controls, " Let's get this bird off the ground!"

Dei and Sasori pressed some buttons and they were off the ground.

" TO KONOHA!" yelled Tobi excitedly. The group then flew in the direction to headquarters...

**To Be Continued...**


	10. AGoV Part8:The Escape

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to ninja.

**Chapter X**

**Akatsuki Go on Vacation!**

**Part VIII: The Escape from Another Dimension!**

Five hours after flying off the ground, Dei and Sasori felt like they weren't going anywhere. Itachi was behind them, staring off to space. Zetsu and Tobi were watching movies on the airplane TVs. Hidan was in the part of the plane where they held luggage, slitting himself.

" I'll go check on sempai!" said the cheerful Tobi, skipping to the cockpit.

" Why aren't we going anywhere, un!?" yelled Deidara.

" Keep calm, Dei." said Sasori.

" How can I be calm when we have spent the last five hours in the clouds, un!?"

" It's not my fault we were exploded into the air." said Sasori, " That was you and Tobi's fault."

" WHAT'D YOU SAY PUPPET BOY!?" yelled Dei, threatening to punch his face in with his one arm.

" Don't take your hand off the-" Sasori couldn't finish because the plane was spiraling out of control! Tobi then crashed through the door, yelling at the top of his lungs.

" TVS OFF!!! TVS OFFFF!!!!!"

" THE PLANE'S GONNA CRASH!!!" yelled Sasori. Itachi just mumbled some unpronounceable words and the plane crashed through some trees in a forest and the plane had a red smoke coming from it. They had 20 minutes to escape before the big boom.

Hidan was choking on the smoke, so he tried to cut a hole through the walls with his scythe. It didn't work. He tried opening the door to the main part of the plane. It was locked. He was doomed. He was going to die.

" YAAAY!!!" said the immortal, " I"M GONNA BLOW UP!!!"

15 minutes to escape. Tobi had crashed through the windshield and was crushed under the weight of the plane. Deidara and Sasori were being suffocated by over-sized air bags

8 minutes. Itachi was unconcious and there was an Itachi-head-shaped dent in the wall. There were also Sharingan eyes circling his head. Zetsu had his head through a TV and he too was unconcious.

5 minutes! The airbags shrunk and Itachi was waking up.

" THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER TAKE YOUR HAND OFF THE WHEEL!!!" yelled Sasori instantly. Zetsu woke up with half the TV stuffed up his throat, so he spent a minute coughing it out.

3 minutes and Hidan was throwing a party in the cargo room. Tobi was still crushed under the plane.

1 minute to go and Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, and Zetsu have exited the plane. They scattered in different directions as the explosion sent them flying!!!

BOOOOM!!

The Akatsuki who were on the plane woke up to see they were on the roof of their lair. A few miles away they could see what was left of the plane.

" We're back at the lair?" asked Hidan.

" Looks like it." answered Sasori.

Tobi went inside to see that Leader, Kisame, and Kakuzu hadn't returned. The six Akatsuki sat down and waited for their other members' return. About 2 hours later, a tired Leader, dry Kisame, and half-dead Kakuzu barged through the door.

" What happened to you, un?" asked Deidara, who looked up from his sculpting.

" We'll tell you after we take a nap." said Leader.

" And a bath." said Kisame.

" And after refinancing the lair." ended Kakuzu.

After doing all this...

" So it began like this..." said the Leader.

FLASHBACK

Leader woke up to see he was in the middle of a desert road. Next to him he could see Kisame, all brownish-like from being in the sun all day. Behind him, he saw Kakuzu was doing something he had never seen before: Kakuzu was doing the thumbs-up sign.

" Kakuzu?" asked Leader.

" Yeah?"

" What are you doing?"

" Hitchiking."

" What's that?"

" You do the thumbs-up sign and wait for a car to pass by."

" And?"

" Hope they give you a ride."

" What if they don't give you a ride?"

" You point a gun in their face, tell them to get out, and steal the car."

" Can I hitchike with you?"

" First, wake up Kisame, he's frying like a fish!"

So Leader dragged Kisame to the side, stood him up, and put his hand in the thumbs-up position.

They stood there for hours until a car passed by. They asked for a ride, he turned them down, they killed him, took the car, and drove home.

END FLASHBACK

"...and that's what happened." concluded Leader.

A few weeks later, Leader gave the Akatsuki an important announcement.

" My fellow members," he began, " We shall have NO MORE summertime vacations!"

The members cheered and from then on, the Akatsuki summertime vacation was long forgotten...

**THE**

**END**


	11. Tobi a Big Kid Now!

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto belong to Kishimoto.

**Chapter XI**

**Tobi A Big Kid Now!**

One morning in the Akatsuki lair, Tobi was "eating" breakfast. Then, Sasori appeared behind him.

" Hey Tobi." said Sasori.

Tobi didn't know that Sasori was there, so he accidently spilled his orange juice on himself.

" Tobi wet!" he said.

" Anyways, you've been in the Akatsuki for a long time, right?"

" Right."

" Well, I've never seen you go to the bathroom."

Hearing this, Tobi spilt his steaming hot coffee in Deidara's hand, which was now screaming in pain.

" AAAHHH!!!" it screamed as it ran around the room.

" BE QUIET!" yelled Hidan, slicing the hand in half.

" That's the 4th hand you've sliced in half this week, un!" said the one-handed Deidara.

" It's not my fault Sasori keeps on asking dumb questions!" replied Hidan, pointing at Sasori.

" So, why don't you go to the bathroom?" asked Sasori.

" Tobi not potty-trained!" said Tobi proudly.

" SO YOU WEAR DIAPERS?" asked a not so surprised Sasori.

" TOBI DON"T WEAR ANY UNDERWEAR!!!" said Tobi.

Sasori's eye winced. Hidan was about to puke. Deidara's spare hand had already puked.

" So why don't you learn to become...uh... potty-trained?" asked a seriously grossed-out Sasori.

" Diaper itchy!" said Tobi.

" So try underwear!" said Sasori, trying to convince Tobi to at least THINK about wearing underwear!

" I think I have some diapers you could wear!" said Hidan.

Everybody looked at him like he was crazy.

" Hey! I have my reasons!" said Hidan.

After Tobi tried on the diaper, he shook his head.

" Diaper too small." said Tobi.

" I'll lend you some underwear." said Itachi.

Everybody gave him the " you're crazy" look.

" What?" asked the confused Uchiha.

When Itachi got a pair, it was covered in... weasels?

" I have my reasons." said Itachi.

" Undies too big!" said Tobi.

" What now?" said Sasori.

" He needs DAINDERPEAR!!" yelled Leader.

" What's that?" asked Itachi.

" It's a crossover of underwear and diapers that will revolutionize the world!" answered Leader dramatically, " Even I'M wearing them!"

By now, everybody was double sweatdropping.

" Can Tobi try?" asked Tobi, holding out his arms.

" Sure you can!" said Leader, handing him a pair he got from his pocket.

Everybody in the room now gave him a " you're insane!" look.

" Leader?" asked Itachi.

" Yes?" asked Leader.

" I think you were more sane playing Dr. Phil." suggested Itachi.

Tobi tried on the dainderpear and suddenly, he had to go, BAD! Not experienced with the bathroom, Tobi ran around, trying to hold it.

" Hey Deidara." said Kisame.

" What, un?" asked Dei.

" Watch this!" said Kisame, holding a pitcher of lemonade.

Tobi then started hopping around, but Kisame kept showing him the yellow liquid. Then, Leader was holding... A GIANT YELLOW P? Tobi couldn't take it anymore! He ran for the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. Everybody saw Tobi sit down on the seat, then, there were lots of sickening smells and sounds and gases coming through the door. Leader became watery-eyed. Hidan puked. Itachi held his breath. Dei had fainted from the fumes. Zetsu was rotting. Sasori jabbed Deidara with a stick. After the fumes cleared out, Tobi came out, toilet paper stuck on his shoe.

" I'm a big kid now!" cheered Tobi.

But the other members didn't look that cheerful.

" I think Deidara's dead." said Sasori, still poking him with a stick.

" I think you shouldn't have encouraged him to be potty-trained, Sasori." said Itachi.

" Tobi a big kid now!" cheered Tobi...again.

**THE**

**END**


	12. Dr Phil Part 2: Trust Excercises

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto. That rhymes!

**Chapter XII**

**Leader Plays Dr. Phil Part II: Trust Excersices**

It was the afternoon when Leader crashed out of the Rehab Room.

" For some reason I'm getting deja vu." said Itachi, looking up from his book.

" Members, I have an announcement!" said Leader cheerfully.

" Please don't tell me we're going on a vacation again, un." said Dei, sculpting .

" Nooo..." replied Leader, " Tommorow, we're doing TRUST EXCERSICES!!"

Everything suddenly turned into deja vu again: Deidara spitting coffee at Tobi, Tobi screaming abou the pain, Hidan's rapid dying over and over again.

" Relax everyone." said Leader, trying to make them listen, " I have just watched Dr. Phil while trying to find Dukes of Hazzard Part II."

" CURSE YOU, DR. PHIL!!!" everybody yelled.

" So report to the Rehab Room at 3:00 tommorow everybody!" said the "Dr. Phil" Leader.

He then walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

" What do you call that strange feeling where you feel like your going through the same thing all over again, Zetsu?" asked Itachi.

" It's called deja vu, Itachi." answered the plant man.

" I can't believe he doesn't just get rid of the Dr. Phil tapes!" suggested Sasori.

" Well, I can't blame him." said Kakuzu, " Those tapes will become extremely valuable when the bald guy croaks."

" And that will be when, un?' asked Deidara.

" In... 2 months." calculated Kakuzu.

" So we just put up with this for 2 months, Phil croaks, we become rich, and we kill Phil's family off to the last person so we don't have to listen to Therapy anymore?" asked Sasori.

" Yep. That's pretty much it." answered Kakuzu.

" WE DIDN'T LAST ONE HOUR WITH HIM AS PHIL!!" yelled Dei, so mad he forgot to add an un, " THAT'S WHY WE MADE THE EXCUSE OF HAVING MISSIONS TO AVOID IT!!"

" Why not Tobi have mission back then?" asked Tobi.

" BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" Deidara screamed into his ear, making him deaf.

" Coming from you sempai, that means alot!" said Tobi, " Thank you!"

" I have the perfect idea to make him stop!" said Zetsu.

" What?" asked Sasori, certain his life was going to end.

" I'm going through this akward stage where I'm growing thorns on my back, riight?" began Zetsu.

" Riiight." said Hidan, not bothering to cut himself anymore.

" So I'm going to go there, stab Leader throught the arms, and I order him to stop!" ended Zetsu.

" That's genius!" said Tobi.

" It's IDIOTIC!!!" screamed Deidara.

" Well want to know what I think?" asked Kisame.

" No." said Itachi.

" Yeah. Nobody cares about you, fish-breath." added Dei.

" WHAAAA!!!!" sobbed Kisame, joining Hidan at the Emo Corner.

" Then it's settled." said Zetsu," I will stop the evil that is "DR. PHIL" LEADER!!"

3:00PM the next day...

Zetsu entered the Rehab Room to see Leader reading " Dr. Phil Knows Best Volume 2".

" Stand on the X please." said Leader.

Zetsu standed on the X.

" Okay, you're going to fall and I'll catch you!"

" All right then!" agreed Zetsu, trying his best to pop out his thorns.

Zetsu fell back, and...

" Zetsu?"

" Yeah, Leader?"

" You can move now."

" One second now!"

Zetsu strained and strained like a guy low in fiber. Until... POP! Zetsu waited for Leader to scream in pain. One...six...thirteen...eighteen seconds and no pain. Leader dropped him. Zetsu looked at Leader's arms..wait a minute...WHERE'D HIS ARMS GO!!!???

" My fake arms are behind you're back." said Leader, looking disapointed, " I had a feeling you were going to do this so I bought fake arms."

" Does that mean you'll stop playing Phil!?" asked Zetsu.

" Sure." agreed Leader.

Zetsu started dancing, knowing "Dr. Phil" Leader was NO MORE!

" But I'll come back when you least expect it!" added Leader, " I may come back tommorow, next week, maybe even a year from now."

Zetsu gave the news to the other members, who were glad they had stood up against a tyrant. People

would remember the few who stood against many... WAIT A MINUTE! WHO CHANGED THE SCRIPT!? Sorry people! Looks like someone messed with the story! I'll fix that NEXT CHAPTER!

**THE**

**END... ****FOR NOW**


	13. Akatsuki Compains: Itachi

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto ain't mine.

**Chapter XIII**

**Akatsuki Complains Part 1: Itachi**

It was a usual morning for the Akatsuki. Tobi was cutting in front of Hidan, so Hidan cut him literally. Deidara was feeding his hands. Zetsu was watering a tree outside that was supposed to be his wife. And Itachi was doing something unusual: he was writing a letter. Sasori looked over Itachi's shoulder, reading the letter so far:

_Dear Masashi Kishimoto:_

_I just wrote this to ask you one thing: WHY DID YOUY MAKE ME EVIL!!?? I MEAN, COME ON!! YOU MAKE ME KILL MY FAMILY, LEAVE MY BROTHER ALIVE SO HE COULD SUFFER TO TRY AND KILL ME, AND ALL YOU DO IS-_

" What are you writing?" asked Sasori.

Itachi was startled and made a mistake on his letter, leaving a long black mark from his pen. He looked mad.

" Why were you reading over my shoulder?" asked Itachi calmly but dangerously.

" You're complaining to the creator?" asked Sasori, pointing upwards.

" Why do you care, Sasori?" asked Itachi, going under the desk for another paper.

" I want to complain also!" yelled Sasori.

" Well, you can't." said Itachi.

" Why not?" asked Sasori, looking annoyed.

" Because I got the last paper!" answered Itachi, waving the blank paper in front of Sasori's face.

As Sasori walked away, Itachi could have sworn Sasori was formulating an evil plan to get the last paper. Oh well. Itachi had finished the letter when Leader made an announcement.

" Today, we are going to Staples to buy paper because there is no more paper!"

Everyone got in the AkatsukiMobile and drove for Staples. But as soon as they were gone, Sasori popped out from under the table. He ran to the desk and read the letter from where he left off:

_- SIT THERE AND DRINK LEMONADE! ALSO, I WANT YOU TO STOP MAKING MY NAILS PURPLE! MY CO-WORKERS THINK I'M A GIRL BECAUSE I HAVE LONG HAIR AND PAINTED NAILS! SO GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BEFORE I GO KABUTO ON YOU!  
_

_Sincerly,_

_Itachi Uchiha_

Sasori grabbed the letter and made some changes to it. When he heard a car in the driveway, he put it back and he went to the couch and turned on the TV. When they went inside, Tobi was being dragged on the ground by Hidan.

" What happened?" asked Sasori.

" Hidan got a papercut and Tobi put a band-aid on it." answered Leader, " Hidan cursed a lot near some little kids and was thrown out before we got the paper."

" What are you doing here Sasori?" asked Kisame.

" I was in the bathroom while you guys were gone." he answered.

" I thought puppets couldn't poop." smirked Itachi.

" You want to take this outside, Uchiha!?" yelled Sasori.

But he knew he didn't need to beat him up. He was about to get ALL the punishment he needed...

Next day...

" WHAT THE-!" Itachi screamed from the second floor.

When he came down, the Akatsuki was in shock. Itachi was wearing a black jacket and red coat. Also, HIS HAIR WAS BLONDE! Deidara went to him and put his hand on his hair.

" WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?" outbursted Itachi.

" You look like Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist, man!" said Deidara.

The rest of the day, Itachi beat up Dei, Sasori laughed to death, and Zetsu was divorced from his tree wife.

**THE**

**END...****FOR NOW...**

FUNNY STORY!!!

By the way, when I said Itachi threatened to go "Kabuto" on Masashi, I was reffering to the episode in the Tsunade arc where Kabuto was kicking Tsunade while she was down. Poor old Tsunade...

And you've got to admit, Ed Elric and Itachi WOULD look alike if Itachi dyed his hair blond!


	14. Karoke! Part 1: Hey there Deidara

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to NO ONE! Except for Masashi Kishimoto.. lucky Japanese people..,.

**Chapter XIV**

**Karoke!**

**Part I: Hey There Deidara**

Out of complete idiocy, the Akatsuki, minus Leader, Kakuzu, Kisame, and Zetsu, decided to go to a karoke bar. Deidara and Sasori went to get drinks. Hidan was thrown out because he was bleeding too much. Itachi was torturing some guy who called him old man. And Tobi, was begging the owner to call him up.

" Pick Tobi! Tobi a good singer!" he yelled to the guy on stage.

" Fine then! Just shut up!" the guy yelled back.

Tobi walked up to the stage when he heard Deidara say something.

" WHAT'D YOU SAY OLD MAN!!??" yelled Dei.

The guy serving drinks told Sasori he had a nice girlfriend, Diedara overheard, and snapped the guy's neck. Dei was now being taken to a police car and was charged for murder.

" Tobi will save you sempai!" yelled Tobi from across the bar.

" Looks like Tobi's going to do something to ruin our reputation again." said Itachi.

The music began as Tobi began to sing a song he wrote.

_Hey there, Deidara,_

_What's it like in New York City_

_I'm a thousand miles away, but girl_

_Tonight you look so pretty-_

Tobi stopped to see a lit bottle of tequila headed for his face. On it was written ENJOY THE LIQUOR IDIOT! Tobi dodged it, but it hit the wall and started to burn down the bar. People were screaming and running out. Itachi just stood there, reading a book a certain silver-haired Jonin dropped while heading out...

" Itachi?" Sasori waved his hand in front of the Uchiha's face, which was tilted towards the book. Sasori looked down on the words and pictures, eyes growing wider. They just stood there, reading the book.

Hidan was celebrating the second Deidara-related death he was about to get. But the ambulance got there while he was cutting his cake. They put out the fire then Hidan snapped their necks for interrupting his celebration.

Tobi staggered out of the bar like a drunk hobo. As he staggered out of there, Kakashi passed by him. The jonin stormed inside and marched towards Itachi and Sasori. He grabbed the book out of his hands, starting to read. Surprisingly, Kakashi could read such a book without being messed up in the head. The two Akatsuki members looked over his shoulders, reading along with him. Kakashi looked puzzled.

" What're you-"

" Just turn the page!" interrupted Sasori.

" Yeah! We need to know what happens to the nurse!" added Itachi, both of them into the book more.

Deidara was being taken away and was handcuffed so his hand-mouths were kissing (Ew...). The officer confistated the clay and put it in the glove compartment. His partner, however, examined it and took some out. He rolled it into a ball and bounced it in his hands. As he was doing this, the ball heated up, turning red...

BOOOOOMM!!!

After the explosion, Deidara grabbed what was left of his clay and ran for the bar.

" Tobi...un..." he whispered silently, " I'll kill you..."

Meanwhile...

Hidan was ripping apart the karoke machine with his scythe as the three men standing over the book started crying.

" What's wrong?" asked Hidan, cleaning his scythe.

" The nurse left the doctor for his patient!" sobbed out Kakashi, crying so much his mask filled with tears.

Tobi ran into the room, back to normal and as cheerful as he ever was.

" Sempai's back!" he yelled excitedly.

Everyone's eyes drifted to an ash-covered Deidara, who was holding a ball of clay as big as a baseball. He walked towards Tobi and ripped out some clay from the ball.

" Tobi..." he began.

" Yes?" asked Tobi.

" This will only hurt for a second."

" How do you know?"

" You're right eye will explode, but I'm sure nothing glue can fix." Dei was now turning the clay to a thin stick. He hardened it and shoved it in Tobi's eye as he rammed the ball in his "sensitive" place.

**BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

A few moments after the explosion of C4, Deidara stood up. He looked around. At his feet was what was left of an Akatsuki robe and a now black orange mask. Deidara looked around again. He couldn't understand. Tobi was the kind of retard that could survive anything. Suddenly, something jumped on Deidara's back.

" SEMPAI!!" It yelled.

Deidara turned around to see a Tobi in his boxer shorts. But to his surprise, TOBI'S BODY WAS COMPLETELY BLACK! Hidan's head flew onto Dei's, knocking him out.

Tobi saw that Kakashi, Itachi, and Sasori were crying.

" Waz up?" he said.

" THE BOOK'S BEEN NUKED!!" cried out Itachi at once.

" W-we d-d-didn't even read the ending!" sobbed out Sasori.

" Don't worry book buddies!" shouted out Kakashi, " I shall run over to Barnes and Noble and get another!"

Kakashi poofed away.

" McDonald's?" asked Dei.

"Hn."

" I'm a puppet, but okay!"

" Tobi want Big Mac!"

" Is blood a topping on the burgers?"

" I want to come too!" answered Kakashi, popping out of nowhere with the book.

The five members and jonin walked over to a half-nuked McDonalds and entered. Ronald McDonald was standing on a stage, announcing what was to happen.

" Today is International Karoke Day! Any volunteers?"

" Me." said Kakashi, not looking up from the book.

" NOOO!" cried out the Akatsuki. It was total deja vu. Kakashi style.

**To Be Continued...**


	15. Karoke! Part 2: Better If You Do

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I wish I got Naruto on my birthday...

**Chapter XV**

**Karoke!**

**Part II: Better If You Do**

Kakashi went to the Karoke machine onstage and looked through them. Deidara stood up and left. Tobi followed him until he heard Kakashi say something.

" What do you mean I can only pick children songs!?"

" You can only sing that song when there's no more kids inside" replied Ronald.

" Fine then."

Kakashi brought out a machine gun and fired at the kids' feet. They started to dance in order to avoid getting shot.

" DANCE MY PUPPETS! DANCE!" screamed Kakashi, out of bullets. He then took out his rifle and put it in Ronald's mouth. BANG! Ronald's head was blown off and all the families fled in fear.

" No more kids." said Kakashi finally.

" I like his style." commented Hidan.

Kakashi put on the song and the music started.

_Now I'm of consenting age to be forgetting you in a cabaret.  
Somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name  
As she sheds her skin on stage  
I'm seated and sweating to a dance song on the club's P.A.  
The strip joint veteran sits two away  
Smirking between dignified sips of his dignified peach and lime daiquiri_

To the Akatsuki's surprise, their new silver-haired friend was...GOOD. I mean, they thought he was SCARY good. Suddenly, people flooded through the doors. Among these people were the Genin of Squad 7.

" Oh no." whispered Kakashi to himself.

If Sakura heard this part, she'd kill him! But then again, if he stopped, his new fans would kill him! He decided to continue and at least die with fans._  
_

_And isn't this exactly where you'd like me  
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know  
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety  
Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me  
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know  
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety_

But, but I'm afraid that I  
Well, I may have faked it  
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

Well, I'm afraid that I  
Well, that's right, well I may have faked it   
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura spotted their sensei singing on stage.

" Kakashi-sensei?" wondered the Genin, " Singing?"

" Oh no." repeated Kakashi, ready for the pain.

But to his surprise, they were.. CHEERING? He realized that he could have fun without getting beaten up by his squad. Knowing this, he sang with even more enthusiasm.__

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me  
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know  
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety  
Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me  
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know  
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Well, I'm afraid that I  
Well, I may have faked it  
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

Well, I'm afraid that I  
Well, that's right, well I may have faked it   
And I wouldn't be caught dead in this place

The crowd went wild. They started screaming and the police came over because of the noise. They were all girls, so Kakashi thought he could make them fans like his squad.__

And isn't this exactly where you'd like me  
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know  
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety  
Oh, isn't this exactly where you'd like me  
I'm exactly where you'd like me, you know  
Praying for love in a lap dance and paying in naivety

Praying for love and paying in naivety  
Praying for love and paying in naivety, oh

Kakashi finished it, taking a deep bow. After bowing, he was being handcuffed by one of the girls. His team tried to stop him, but they were taken down also. As they were taken to the car, a giant clay bird was flying towards them.

" DON'T WORRY FRIEND!" screamed out Tobi, " SEMPAI AND TOBI WILL SAVE YOU!"

Deidara dropped some clay on the resturaunt and...

BOOOM!!

McDonald's, the people, and the policewomen were destroyed. The ninja, however, escaped onto the bird right on time. Down below, they saw that Hidan's body was lying down on the ashes. But where was the..BONK!..head. Deidara was unconcious and the bird spun out of control!

" AAAAH!" screamed the ninja.

CRASH!!

The ninja were ouside the secret lair now, unconcious. The Akatsuki, however, were now inside.

" Tobi, take those bodies back in Konoha, un." commanded Deidara.

Tobi dragged them all to Ichiraku's and left as quickly as possible. But while returning to the lair, it was Karoke Night at Ichiraku's. Tobi went back for the Karoke. I mean, who can resist Karoke?

**THE**

**END...****FOR NOW...**_  
_


	16. To Konoha! Part 1: Dei Meets Ino

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Me not own any animes.

**Chapter XVI**

**To Konoha!**

**Part I: Deidara Meets Ino**

" Why can't we go to Konoha SEMPAI?"

" It's too risky Tobi, un. We might get caught and killed, yeah."

Deidara and Tobi were arguing about going to Konoha.

" What's so great about Konoha anyway, un?"

" Ramen, Karoke, sake, assasination attempts."

Hearing the word assasination, Hidan went in the conversation.

" What are you two planning?"

" Tobi wants to get drunk on sake and sing Karoke in Konoha, un."

" Tobi has good reason, sempai!"

" What, un?"

" Think about it Hidan! Assasination, blood."

" BLOOD?"

Hidan 's eyes widened, and he bolted for the door, but crashed into it.

" People, I have an announcement!" announced Leader, " We are going to Konoha to assasinate the Fifth Hokage!"

The members cheered. Zetsu said goodbye to his acorn children. Kisame sharpened Sharkskin. Hidan killed himself.

" TO THE AKATSUKIMOBILE!" yelled Leader.

Everyone crammed inside as they picked a driver.

" Me!" Tobi raised his hand and all the other members tackled him.

" Looks like I'm driving, un." said Dei, the only one not in the dogpile.

He started the car and backed out through the hole Tobi made many chapters ago. 30 minutes after driving, they reached the gate.

" STOP!" yelled the guard, " State your buisness."

" We came to kill Hokage!" blurted out Tobi.

Everyone expected to have them executed, but the guard agreed.

" Go ahead then." agreed the guard.

" That's it, un?" asked Dei, " You won't kill us?"

" Actually, I want the old hag killed!" confessed the guard.

" Why?" asked Sasori.

" She's been spending MY paycheck on sake and Vodka lately! The old woman will be so drunk, killing her will be a snap!"

They all laughed maniaclly at this. They parked the car and made teams.

" Okay, began Leader, " Dei, you'll go alone and circle the place. Tobi, you're with Itachi. Zetsu, Kisame. Hidan, Sasori. Kakuzu, go wherever you want."

They all separated and began their mission.

**DEIDARA**

The blonde member marched down the streets of Konoha, looking for Ichiraku's. His hands moaned.

" Don't worry, un. We'll get you guys some food, yeah."

Unable to find the ramen bar, he slipped into a resturaunt. He sat down and ordered his food when he saw Squad 9 from across the resturaunt.

" Choji, quit it! You'll make me go broke!"

The chubby boy was eating pork ribs while Shikamaru was sleeping on the floor. Ino smacked Choji and Shikamaru on the back of the heads.

" What was that for?" asked the half-asleep Shikamaru and the fat Choji.

" FOR BEING IDIOTS!" screamed Ino.

Deidara thought of something. That girl looked like him. He compared himself to Ino over and over again and saw that they were alike: same hairstyle, hair color, attitude towards idiots. Dei walked over to them and stepped on Shika.

" WHOA!"

Deidara tripped and his hand was on the grill. It screamed and crippled to a black , crippled looking thing. Choji ate it and spat it out onto Ino's shirt.

" HEY!" yelled out Dei and Ino.

" THIS IS MY NEW SHIRT!" screamed Ino.

" AND THAT WAS MY NEW HAND, UN!" added Deidara.

He pulled out some clay.

" You might want to get out of here." said Dei, " Things are about to get VERY messy, yeah!"

Ino dragged Shikamaru out and ran out of there.

BOOOOM!!!

The resturaunt was reduced to ashes and Deidara glared at the dead Choji, whick was reduced to a diaper looking headband and a pile of ashes. Ino ran to the Hokage's office to report this. Dei turned around and headed to Ichiraku's, which surprisingly, was next to the resturaunt.

" Looks like we're found out, un." said Dei, slurping up his ramen, " I wonder what Tobi and Itachi are doing."

We also wonder...

**To Be Continued...**


	17. To Konoha! Part 2: Sasuke Finds Itachi

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I have no rights to Naruto.

**Chapter XVII**

**To Konoha!**

**Part II: Sasuke Finds Itachi**

Tobi and Itachi were circling the hokage's tower, waiting for Zetsu and Kisame to appear.

" Tobi BORED!

" Tobi, I don't care."

" Fine then! Tobi find FUN!"

Dozens of unicorns danced above his head. Itachi sweatdropped.

" Who that?" asked Tobi, pointing to Team 7 , not far away.

" Uh oh." said Itachi, " Tobi, let's get out of here!"

Kakashi spotted them and waved to them.

" Hi, new friends!"

" Kakashi-sensei, you're friends with the AKATSUKI!?" screamed Naruto.

" Only with Dei, Tobi, Hidan, Sasori, and ITACHI!"

" ITACHI!?" yelled Sasuke.

" HE SPOTTED US!" yelled Itachi, " RUN!"

" GET BACK HERE SO I COULD KILL YOU!!!" screeched Sasuke charging up his Chidori.

Itachi and Tobi slipped into an alley, undetected.

" We'll be safe in here!" assured Itachi, " As long as we don't-

" BYE ITACHI'S LITTLE BRO!!" blurted out Tobi, " HE IN HERE!"

"- yell."

" DIE!!" yelled Sasuke, coming after them again.

" RUN!"

Itachi grabbed Tobi by the throat and ran for the gate. Sasuke, Sakura, Naruto, Hinata, and Kiba randomly followed in that order. Weird.

" Tobi, I want you to stall him so I can escape!" said Itachi as he slipped into another alley.

" Why must Tobi get killed?"

" I was thinking it could be a bonus."

Itachi pushed Tobi out and Sasuke rammed his Chidori in him instead.

" WAAAH!!" screamed Tobi, " I'M MELTING! I'm MELTING! MELTING! MEEEELTIIIING!!!"

Tobi turned into a puddle of water and a chorus of munchkins popped out of nowhere!

" DING-DONG! THE WITCH IS DEAD! WHICH OLD WITCH? THE WICKED WITCH!"

They disappeared and Sasuke turned around, cleaning some blood on his hand.

" Yes!" cheered Itachi, " Tobi's gone and I'm off the hook!"

He turned around to see the weirdest thing: Sasuke being chased by Sakura being chased by Naruto being chased by Hinata. Weird.

" Better get back to the tower." said Itachi, " Zetsu and Kisame are probably there by now."

Too bad he didn't notice Sharkskin on the ground...

**To Be Continued...**


	18. To Konoha! Part 3: Parents and Penguins

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I don't own any animes.

**Chapter XVIII**

**To Konoha!**

**Part III: Parents and Penguins **

Down in the sewers...

" Why do we have to be here, Kisame?" asked Zetsu, " There's no sunlight here and I'm drooping!

" I just wanted to see my parents!" replied Kisame.

" Why do they live down here?"

" How do you think I'm half fish?"

Zetsu tried to get a certain thought out of his head.

" Don't worry! We're almost there!"

Kisame and Zetsu then saw a gigantic octopus come out of the sewer!

" No problem!" yelled Kisame, reaching for Sharkskin... wait a minute..WHERE'S SHARKSKIN!?

Zetsu was dragged underwater, leaving behind some flytrap fangs.

" I'll save you, Zetsu!" yelled Kisame, diving in the radioactive muck.

He looked around and-SMACK! The squid had caught him! Kisame saw Zetsu, who was turning brown and was nearly dead. When they resurfaced, Kisame saw a mutant with gills and a fish in a bowl. They were his mom and dad!

" MOMMA! PAPA!" he cried.

The fish man ran to his parents and gave them a big hug.

" Who's your friend, Kisame?" asked his fish mom, looking down at Zetsu.

" That's Zetsu, he's probably dead. Who's the octopus?"

" He's your new BABY BROTHER!" yelled the mutant dad.

" Then why'd he drag me under and kill my co-worker?"

" He thought you were homesick and the bad plant guy- where's Sharkskin!?"

" I lost it."

" Why'd you lose it!?" yelled the dad, " That was my butcher knife!"

" I know."

" How about Otto helps you find it?" suggested the mom, pointing to Kisame's new brother.

" Fine then." said Kisame, muttering under his breath.

On the surface...

Deidara was whistling to the tune to " Fighting Dreamers" when he tripped over something. Something...scaly.

" WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, UN!?" he yelled down at Sharkskin.

" Sharkskin!"

Dei looked towards the noise, seeing Kisame being chased by a giant octopus!

" Don't worry, FISH GUY, UN!" yelled Dei, " I'LL SAVE YOU, YEAH!"

He pulled out his clay and rammed it into Otto...

BOOOOM!

" DEIDARA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING KILLING MY BABY BROTHER!?"

" I thought it was chasing you, un."

Kisame grabbed Sharkskin and sliced off his scrunchie-thing.

" HEY!" yelled Dei, people staring at him with his new haircut.

" TOBI BACK!"

Deidara and Kisame looked around for the noise. Suddenly, a very bloody Tobi popped from bush, causing Deidara to topple over.

" TOBI A GOOD BOY!"

" TOBI GONNA BE DEAD IN A SECOND, UN!"

Deidara smacked his teammate on the back of the head, leaving a pink bruise.

" Where's Zetsu, un?" asked Deidara, satisfied from beating up Tobi.

" He's dead at the bottom of the sewer." answered Kisame.

" TOBI SAD!" yelled Tobi, anime tears flowing from his eye hole.

Everybody around him had a sweatdrop now.

" It's Itachi!" yelled Kisame, looking towards Ichiraku's.

Itachi was sitting down, eating Miso ramen.

" We have to be at the tower in 5 minutes guys, un." announced Deidara to the 3 members.

" Hidan and Sasori should be back by now." said Itachi, reading through Volume 53 of his new book. ( YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!)

At the tower...

" Hidan, quit killing yourself." said Sasori, " The sign says keep the park clean."

" But this is for luck!"

In the tower, Tsunade was staring down at a giant blood puddle and two Akatsuki members. Just then, Shizune walked in.

" Lady Tsunade, there's been a report that one of the local resturaunts were blown up." she said.

" I'll get to that as soon as I chase away the giant penguin." the Hokage slurred.

She headed down the stairs, herding an invisible penguin down the stairs.

" Don't worry little penguin!" she yelled, " You're going back to Antartica with your friends!"

Shizune was just staring down at her boss, who had gone mad.

Back downstairs outside, the four members appeared along with Leader, who was reading the same book as Itachi, anime tears flowing from his eyes.

" No Justin! Don't go back together with Suzie! She's cheating on you with your half-goduncle!" he cried to his book.

All the members had sweatdrops now.

" I wonder where Kakuzu is, un." wondered Deidara.

Just then, they saw him being chased by Shikamaru, who wanted vengeance. Weird.

**To Be Continued...**

HA! HA HA HA!!

That was FUNNY!

Some of you probably don't get the penguin joke. Well, if you don't get it...DON'T GET IT! ''U


	19. To Konoha Part4: Assasination Gone Wrong

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Nobody besides some Japanese guy owns Naruto! YOU HAPPY NOW!?

**Chapter XIX**

**To Konoha!**

**Part IV: Assasinations Gone Wrong!**

After the Akatsuki knocked out Shikamaru and placed him on a stool at Ichiraku's they began the mission!

" Where's Zetsu?" asked Leader.

" He went to the big greenhouse in the sky." said Itachi, showing no emotion.

" Well, then let's BEGIN!" yelled Leader, holding out... TORCHES AND PITCHFORKS!?

Everybody grabbed a torch and pitchfork( except for Dei, who only had a pitchfork) and rammed through the door.

" Lady Tsunade!" yelled Shizune to Tsunade, who was under the desk.

" What is it, Sheila?" slurred Tsunade, holding a broken bottle of Miller Lite.

" There's a group of terrorists outside the door!"

" Well don't just stand there! Throw some money out the window!"

Shizune flicked a few hundred Ryo out the window, and Kakuzu grabbed it.

" Money!" he yelled, " OH SWEET MONEY!"

The Akatsuki sweatdropped.

" It's not working!" yelled Shizune to Tsunade.

" Then pour the Bud Lite on them! Nobody drinks that!" shouted the Hokage, passing Shizune a 32pack of Bud Lite.

Shizune threw the bottles down on them and sent down a lit match.

BOOOM!

Hidan's head was flying in the window, knocking out Shizune. It rolled under the desk, facing Tsunade.

" PENGUIN!" she screeched, kicking it out the window towards Suna, " It's nice and cold over there!"

In Suna...

" Gaara, what's wrong?" asked Temari, shining her fan.

" He's probably mad because he didn't get a shrunken head for Christmas!" said Kankuro, painting Crow's face.

Suddenly, Hidan's head landed in Gaara's lap. He looked down at it.

" MINE!" he suddenly yelled, trapping the head in a sand prison.

Back in Konoha...

" BE QUIET DOWN THERE YA NASTY KIDS!" yelled Tsunade, taking a swig of sake.

After finally ramming down the door, the rest of the members went inside.

" ATTACK!" screamed Leader, pointing at Tsunade.

" Why can't penguins stay in Antartica!?" yelled Tsunade, punching Sasori's head down the flight of stairs.

" I'll bomb the place man, un!" yelled Dei, about to drop the clay down the stairs.

" NOOOO!' screamed the Akatsuki.

But it was too late.

BOOOOM!

The tower fell down and down and down. It landed near Ichiraku's, trapping the cooks, Naruto, and the rest of Team 7 in the bar.

" WE'RE TRAPPED!' screamed Naruto, trying to Rasengan his way out.

" CALM DOWN, IDIOT!" yelled Sakura, smashing her fist on top of Naruto's head.

Inside the tower...

Tsunade was still holding off Itachi, Kisame, Tobi, and Deidara from killing her. She used her monster strength to smash a hole through the wall. Unfortunately, she also smashed Naruto's face against the wall of the bar. She tossed Tobi through the hole, flattening Naruto.

" IS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT!?" provoked Tsunade.

" I'LL SHOW YOU THE BEST I GOT!!!" yelled Deidara, taking out his C4.

BOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The bar and surrounding buildings were obliterated. Kisame was a fried fish and somehow landed on the grill. Itachi was mourning the loss of his book. Deidara was being beaten up by Tsunade, who was having a hangover. Naruto wasn't moving. Sakura was flattened against the ground. Kakashi was mourning with Itachi. Sasuke had left with the Sound Five in all the commotion.

" THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR ATTEMPTING AN ASSASINATION!!" yelled Tsunade, tossing aside Dei.

Back at the lair...

"... and so, we will not try to assasinate the Hokage for another 999,999,999 million years!" announced Leader.

The Akatsuki cheered as he put the rule next to the "no more vacations" rule.

And that's what happened when the Akatsuki tried to assasinate the Fifth Hokage.

**THE**

**END**


	20. The Best Faceless Member Contest!

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto. Devil May Cry belongs to some other guy.

**Chapter XX**

**The Best Faceless Member Contest!**

It was the middle of the night when Itachi heard a strange noise. He got out of bed and went to the source of it. It was coming from Tobi's room. Go figure.

" Tobi, if you stole Dei's clay, at least make it look like you didn't take it when you're done playing with it." said Itachi to the door.

No answer. This time, Itachi knocked and no one answered. He sighed and blew it open with a shadow clone. Itachi stepped inside to see... Tobi and Leader thumb wrestling?

" What are you doing, Tobi?" asked Itachi, looking from him to Leader.

" Tommorow is the Annual Best Faceless Member Contest!" yelled Tobi gleefully.

" It's a contest where all the members who don't show their face compete in different events to see who wins." added Leader.

Seeing his chance, Tobi crunched Leader's thumb down, starting the count.

" 1,2,3" he said quickly.

Leader cried out in pain, his thumb swollen.

" TOBI YOU FLATTENED MY THUMB!!" he yelled at the orange-masked member.

Just then, Deidara peeked through the door.

" What's going on, un?" he asked.

" TOBI CRUSHED MY THUMB!!" yelled Leader again, splattering spit all over Tobi's face.

Then, Blue ( that's what I call the nameless member) looked through the door, seeing a shaking Tobi, calm Itachi, and mad Leader.

" What are you guys doing?" she asked.

" Hey!" yelled Leader, " When'd you get in the story!?"

" I'm a member of the Akatsuki." she said.

" Yeah, yeah. But you're a GIRL, UN!" yelled Dei, pointing at the flower in her hair.

" At least I'm not a guy who looks like a girl." Blue muttered under her breath.

" WHAT'D YOU SAY GIRLIE!?" screeched a very angry Deidara.

" Um guys? This isn't part of the plot." said Leader.

" What plot?" said Itachi, holding Volume 82 of his favorite book series, " We're just part of a bunch of short stories the author makes."

" Fine then, un." grumbled Deidara, still glaring at Blue.

" Tobi wins first event!" cried out Tobi victoriously.

" What's the next event then?" asked Blue.

" It's the mystery event." answered Leader, holding his swollen thumb.

" Well, I guess we should go back to sleep, un." said Deidara, headed for the door.

" Me too." added Itachi, following Dei out.

" Just one minute." said Blue, " why am I not in the contest?"

" You're a girl and only MEN can compete!" said Tobi.

He was then strangled by Blue.

" I'll beat you guys in this contest!" she said, leaving the room in a huff, " You'll see!"

Tobi was choking and his neck had nail marks on it.

" What's her problem?" aske Leader, " She's not even IN the contest!"

The next morning...

All the members had gathered in the auditorium for the next event.

" I wonder what they're going to do." said Sasori.

" Maybe it's going to be money counting!" said Kakuzu, taking a deep sniff of the bundles of cash in his hands.

Everyone sweatdropped.

" I think it's going to be who can die faster." said Hidan, many kunai impaled in his arms.

" Well I don't care!" yelled Blue, " Let's just get this over with."

Tobi appeared on the stage, holding two cylinders in his hand. Leader appeared also with one cylinder. But the cylinders were...LIGHTSABERS!?

" RAAAAH!" they yelled as they started bashing each other with them.

Everyone sweatdropped.

" They're beating each other with TOYS?" wondered Zetsu.

" This organization has gone to a new low." said Itachi plainly, obviously more interested in his book then the stage.

Leader knocked down Tobi, beating him with his lightsaber, going Kabuto on him.

Three hours of senseless beating later...

" I WIN!" cried out Leader.

The tip of Leader's light saber was stuck in Tobi's back, and he wasn't moving, flies buzzing over him.

" Tobi, get up." said Sasori, kicking him over.

" Looks like it's a tie." said Kisame.

" Then it's time for voting!" cheered Tobi weakly since Leader strangled him with a rope.

In the Map Room...

" You guys are going to write the name of who you think is the best faceless person is." said Leader, holding some strips of paper.

" VOTE FOR TOBI!" yelled out Tobi as he was dragged out of there.

30 minutes later...

" TIME'S UP!" yelled Tobi as the members put their slips in the box.

Leader took them out and read them:

Itachi-Leader

Kisame-Tobi

Deidara-Leader, un

Zetsu-Tobi

Kakuzu- Leader

Hidan-Tobi

Sasori-Tobi

Blue-Leader

" A TIE!?" yelled Tobi, running around the room.

" Looks like it." said Itachi.

" I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!" yelled out Tobi again, " IT'S EITHER ME OR HIM!"

He pulled from his sides to black and white guns with the words _Ebony & Ivory_ on them.

" Where'd you get those?" asked Leader, backed up to the wall.

In Devil May Cry...

" Dante, LOOK OUT!" shouted Lady to her half-demon ally.

A Sloth knocked Rebellion from his hands, leaving him defenseless.

" NO PROBLEM!" he yelled reaching for Ebony and Ivory and...wait a minute...THEY WERE GONE!

" Maybe I shouldn't have lent that orange dude my guns for pizza." realized Dante as a Vanguard approached him, a scythe in his skeleton hands.

" Uh oh."

Back at the lair...

Tobi had started shooting at Leader's feet, who had no weapons.

" DANCE MY PUPPET DANCE!" he screeched maniacally.

" I like his style." said Sasori, everybody sweatdropping.

" Tobi, stop." said Blue, squeezing the back of his neck.

Tobi fell to the ground, unconcious.

" I think we know who the best faceless member is." said Blue.

The next day...

" WHAT!?"

Tobi and Leader couldn't believe it. BLUE WON!

" I TOLD YOU LOSERS I'D WIN!" yelled Blue to Tobi and Leader.

" BLUE, YOU"RE THE OWNER OF A BRAND NEW SANDMOBILE!" announced Baki, appearing out of nowhere.

The Akatsuki went "OOOH!"

Taking her trophy, Blue ran to her new Sandmobile and drove off before Tobi and Leader could tackle her.

" Looks like she beat you." said Itachi.

" Not for long!" said Leader, " Tobi put a stinkbomb in the trophy before she left!"

You could make out what happens next...

**THE**

**END**


	21. Why Akatsuki NEVER Releases Kyubbi

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: All characters in story belong to Kishimoto.

**Chapter XXI**

**Why Akatsuki NEVER Releases Kyubbi**

It was 3:00 in the afternoon. Tobi and Itachi were hiding in the bushes.

" Tobi, you know what to do, right?" asked Itachi.

" RIGHT!" yelled Tobi, slurping his ramen loudly.

Itachi knocked down his food and smacked him across the mask.

" SHHH!" he said, " We'll get caught!"

The two members were waiting for the right moment to attack Naruto.

" Sasuke-teme, what are you doing?" asked the blonde ninja.

" I smell...BLOOD." he answered.

" Did you slit yourself this morning?"

" No. It's..." Sasuke looked over at the bushes, " ITACHI!"

" OH SNAP!"

Itachi ran out of there, Sasuke behind him with a Chidori.

" YAY! FIREWORKS!" cheered Tobi.

Naruto approached the member and looked at his black cloak with red clouds.

" AKATSUKI!" he yelled, running away.

" TOBI A GOOD BOY!" yelled Tobi, chasing after him.

5 hours of running...

" LEADER! WE GOT HIM!"

Tobi was dragging a knocked out Naruto across the lair floor.

" GOOD!" yelled Leader, " By the way, where's Itachi?"

Back in Konoha...

" GET BACK HERE!" yelled Sasuke.

" I'M SORRY, OKAY!?"

Back at lair...

" We can't do the ritual without Itachi!" yelled Tobi.

" Why don't we do it without him?" suggested Blue, filing her nails, " I mean, there's 10 people here anyway with everybody alive."

Leader counted the members and agreed.

" LET'S BEGIN!"

Everybody did the ritual and...

POP!

The Kyubbi spirit came out.

**WHO DARE AWAKENS ME!!!???**

" OOH! OOH! TOBI DID! TOBI BRING YOU!" yelled Tobi, jumping up and down.

" Well, he's a goner, un." said Dei.

The spirit shrank down to the size of a human and started to transform. His tails disappeared and he became more upright. his fur dissapeared also on the rest of him. He now wore what looked like a gray and black version of Naruto's jacket, had red hair, whiskers, and no headband.

" Well..." began Kyubbi, " BEGONE!"

A burst of red chakra came out of his hand and blasted Tobi through the ceiling.

" TOBI IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN!!!" he yelled.

" And for the rest of you.."

Deidara and Blue burst through the door at full speed. Zetsu went to his emergency bomb shelter/greenhouse. Kisame went to Joe's Sushi. Hidan died. Leader and Sasori went to Hidden Sand. Kakuzu locked himself in his safe.

" Nobody then?" said Kyubbi.

Naruto woke up and looked at Kyubbi.

" Who are you?" he asked.

" I'm-uh-Kyubb-Kyo!" Kyubbi said finally.

" Kyo?"

" Do I have to fire a beam of red chakra through your head to remember?"

" What?"

" Nothing!"

" Do you want to go to Ichiraku's?"

" Sure! Do you want to wreak mass destruction later?"

" Okay!"

The two went to Konoha and ate ramen and burned down the place.

Back at the lair...

" Is he gone?" asked Kakuzu.

" I think so." answered Zetsu.

" I'm okay." said Hidan, a bloody mess on the floor.

They got out of their hiding places and Dei and Blue went back.

" Where's Leader, un?" asked Deidara.

Suddenly, the mail came.

" A postcard, un?"

He read it:

HAVING AN AWESOME TIME IN SUNA!

**Be Back In A Week!**

_Leader & Sasori_

" Oh well, yeah." said Deidara.

And so the Akatsuki posted the " NEVER RELEASE KYUBBI!" rule next to the assasination and vacation rules.

**THE**

**END**


	22. Karoke Part 3: The Uchihas' Black Parade

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or karoke machines.

**Chapter XXII**

**Karoke!**

**Part III: The Uchihas' Black Parade**

" Where's Tobi, un?" asked Deidara, " He should have been back by now."

" It doesn't take that long to drag four unconcious ninja across a forest and drop them in the middle of the road." said Hidan.

" Members, Pein has an announcement." announced Blue.

" Members, we are going to the karoke contest at Ichiraku's!" Leader said to them.

" Oh goodie." said Itachi, reading the special Christmas edition.

The members piled in the AkatsukiMobile and headed for Konoha!

In Konoha...

" In two hours, we will begin the big KAROKE CONTEST!"

The people cheered at the announcement.

" What's so great about karoke?" asked Neji, " It's just singing and embarassing yourself like in Dr. Phil."

" Come on Neji." said Tenten, " It'll be great!"

" SINGING IS SO YOUTHFUL!" cheered Lee.

Tobi was walking by Team Gai and bumped into Neji.

" What's your problem, you orange weirdo?" Neji said to Tobi, giving him his signature death glare.

" TOBI A GOOD BOY!" yelled Tobi.

" YOUTH!" burst out Lee.

" GOOD BOY!"

" YOUTH!"

" GOOD BOY!"

" YOUTH!"

" SHUT UP!!" screeched Tenten, making Neji, Tobi, and Lee deaf.

Suddenly, Deidara smacked Tobi on the back of the head.

" TOBI, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO DRAG SQUAD 7 TO KONOHA AND NOT LOOK SUSPICIOUS, UN!?" he yelled.

" SEMPAI!"

Tobi hugged Dei, but he pushed him off.

" Freak, un." he said.

Tenten walked over to Deidara and stared at his face.

" What, un?"

" You look like Ino!"

" I look nothing like a girl, yeah."

" Come on! Same hair color, hair style, attitude towards idiots."

" The author explained that a few chapters ago, un."

Then, the guy said something.

" LET THE KAROKE CONTEST BEGIN!"

Everybody cheered and the guy spoke again.

" We will randomly pick somebody from the audience!"

The spotlight moved through the crowd and hit...ITACHI!?

" Whatever."

Itachi walked up the stage and flipped through the songs. Just then, Sasuke woke up.

" ITACHI!?"

" Uh oh."

Thinking fast, he chose a song and the slow piano intro began.

_When I was a young boy,  
My father took me into the city  
To see a marching band._

Itachi wasn't a bad singer. Although he was nearly blind and couldn't see the words.

" Hey Sasuke, isn't that your brother?"

Naruto had woken up next to him.

" YAY NEW FRIEND!"

Kakashi had woken up now.

" Something feels like I should run." said Itachi.

Sasuke jumped onstage and went for Itachi, but grabbed the microphone instead. Looks like it's a duet now.__

_**Sasuke: **__He said, "Son when you grow up,  
would you be the savior of the broken,  
the beaten and the damned?"  
He said "Will you defeat them,  
your demons, and all the non-believers,  
the plans that they have made?"  
"Because one day I'll leave you,  
A phantom to lead you in the summer,  
To join The Black Parade."_

Eveybody was waving lighters in the air like how people wave them at rock concerts. Sakura and Ino were cheering on Sasuke, of course. Naruto was jealous of him, muttering under his breath. Neji smirked. Lee had gone on a "youth" rampage. Tenten stopped him. But Sasuke felt like he was actually having...fun. With his BROTHER. The one who killed off his whole clan. Oh well. __

_**Both: **__When I was a young boy,  
My father took me into the city  
To see a marching band.  
He said, "Son when you grow up,  
would you be the savior of the broken,  
the beaten and the damned?"_

Eveybody were cheering them on now. Until Tobi and Deidara got drunk and ran onstage.

" What are you doing?" asked Itachi.

" DON'T MOVE, ITACHI, UN!" yelled Deidara, " THE BABY PENGUIN IS ON YOUR FOREHEAD!"

Itachi knocked him out and began the next part. 

_**Itachi: **__Sometimes I get the feeling she's watching over me.  
And other times I feel like I should go.  
And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets.  
And when you're gone we want you all to know._

Tobi began stripping, only to be stopped by being rammed through the heart with a katana by Sasuke.__

_**Both: **__We'll carry on,  
We'll carry on  
And though you're dead and gone believe me  
Your memory will carry on  
We'll carry on  
And in my heart I can't contain it  
The anthem won't explain it._

_  
__**Sasuke: **__A world that sends you reeling from decimated dreams  
Your misery and hate will kill us all.  
So paint it black and take it back  
Let's shout it loud and clear  
Defiant to the end we hear the call_

Tsunade had marched down to the bar, hearing about two men and one woman in black cloaks with red clouds.

" ALL RIGHT! WHERE ARE THEY!?" she screamed.

She spotted one of them on stage singing.

" GET OUT OF MY VILLAGE!" she yelled at Itachi.

" Right after this." he replied calmly.

_**Both: **__To carry on  
We'll carry on  
And though you're dead and gone believe me  
Your memory will carry on  
We'll carry on  
And though you're broken and defeated  
Your weary widow marches_

_**Itachi: **__On and on we carry through the fears  
__**Sasuke: **__Ooh oh ohhhh  
Disappointed faces of your peers  
__**Itachi: **__Ooh oh ohhhh  
Take a look at me cause I could not care at all_

_**Sasuke: **__Do or die, you'll never make me  
Because the world will never take my heart  
Go and try, you'll never break me  
We want it all, we wanna play this part  
I won't explain or say I'm sorry  
I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar  
Give a cheer for all the broken  
Listen here, because it's who we are  
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero  
Just a boy, who had to sing this song  
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero  
I! don't! care!_

Tsunade went on stage and punched Itachi across the cheek, but ended up punching Sasuke across the bar, crashing into the wall. She spotted Itachi running for the gates, still holding his wireless microphone.

" Oh no you don't!' said Tsunade, breaking after Itachi.

He started to sing while running.__

_**Itachi: **__We'll carry on  
We'll carry on  
And though you're dead and gone believe me  
Your memory will carry on  
We'll carry on  
And though you're broken and defeated  
Your weary widow marches on_

Itachi was knocked over by Tsunade's shockwave, and he was captured by Tsunade, who dragged him to the bar. Unexpectedly, Naruto grabbed Sasuke's microphone and continued the song.__

_**Naruto: **__Do or die, you'll never make me  
Because the world will never take my heart  
Go and try, you'll never break me  
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We'll carry on)_

Surprisingly, Naruto was better than Itachi and Sasuke. The people cheered him on as he sang the last verse.__

_**Naruto: **__Do or die, you'll never make me (We'll carry on)  
Because the world will never take my heart (We'll carry on)  
Go and try, you'll never break me (We'll carry)  
We want it all, we wanna play this part (We'll carry on)_

Everybody went crazy. Even Neji clapped a little bit. Lee started cheering as sparks appeared in his eyes, saying that Tenten should whack him before he starts his "youth" fest again. The cheering woke up Shikamaru, who started clapping too for no reason. Deidara and Tobi gathered around him, still drunk, and sang a hobo song, swaying back and forth with Naruto. He got a massive sweatdrop. Itachi woke up and made a break for the AkatsukiMobile, dragging Tobi and Dei behind him.

Back at the lair...

" So how was karoke, un?" asked Deidara, sculpting a microphone.

" It was...good." Itachi answered, " But brother has weak singing skill.

" People, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!" yelled Leader, " We are going to have a KAROKE CONTEST!!"

" NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

**THE**

**END...****FOR NOW...**

HA! HA HA HA HA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Okay I'm done now. For the people who don't listen to one of the best bands in the universe, that was _Welcome to the Black Parade _by My Chemical Romance! WHOOOOOOOO:P_  
_


	23. Dr Phil Part 3: Tobi's Counterattack

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: I own no animes in the process.

**Chapter XXIII**

**Dr. Phil**

**Part III: Tobi's Counterattack**

" Kakuzu, how many more days till Dr. Phil croaks?" asked Hidan.

" Yeah! Tobi say we KILL HIM OURSELVES!" yelled Tobi, bringing out a rusty chainsaw.

" I agree with Tobi." said Zetsu, " I wonder what therapist tastes like..."

" Don't worry! He'll die in...two days." calculated Kakuzu.

" WHOOO!!" went Tobi.

He ran around the room, getting mud on the walls and ceiling from his shoes.

" How'd the idiot tracks get on the ceiling?" asked Marge, coming out of nowhere.

" SpiderTobi, SpiderTobi, does whatever a SpiderTobi does." sang Homer in an Akatsuki cloak, coming out of nowhere.

Everyone got triple sweatdrops.

" Good news everyone!" yelled Leader, " Dr. Phil got a life extention of 500 years! DR. P FOREVER!"

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hidan threw away his knives and donated his blood to orphans. Kakuzu burned his money and sang "Kumbaya" around the bonfire. Deidara put his clay in Play-Doh jars and mailed it to Ninja Academy. Sasori drank a milkshake.

" THAT'S IT!!!" screamed Tobi, bringing out his rusty chainsaw, " GIVE ME THE TAPES!"

" YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPERS!" yelled Leader, grabbing his tapes and jumping out the window.

Tobi jumped out and saw that Leader didn't have the tapes anymore.

" WHERE'D YOU HIDE THEM!?" yelled Tobi, revving his chainsaw.

" I DON'T HAVE NOTHIN ON ME!" claimed Leader.

" Then I'll have to go to FORCE!" Tobi got from his cloak... A BAGUETTE?

" NOOO!!" screamed Leader, " YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS!"

" I KNOW!" yelled Tobi, bringing out his knife, " YOU CAN'T RESIST MEATBALL SANDWICHES!"

5 minutes later...

Tobi was waving a fresh foot-long sandwich in front of Leader's face, who was tied up to a chair now. He started drooling.

" Where's the tapes?" asked Tobi.

" I already told you, I DON'T KNOW!"

" Maybe this will make you think otherwise..." Tobi brought out a knife.

He swung it down and...BAM! It cut the sandwich in half. He grabbed one half of it and started eating it noisily.

" NO!!!!" screamed Leader, " THAT WAS THE GOOD HALF!"

" If you tell me where the tapes are, I'll let you have the other half."

Leader tried to bite the sandwich, but Tobi pulled it away, taking one of the meatballs and ate it.

" NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" sobbed out Leader, " OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TELL YA!"

" Good." Tobi put the sandwich on a plate in front of Leader.

" The tapes are under that bush." Leader turned his head to a bush on the side of the lair.

Tobi grabbed the tapes and screamed at the top of his lungs.

" SALVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He entered the lair, having the tapes being grabbed from him by Kakuzu.

" I'M RICH!" he yelled.

" I wonder what happened to my clay, un." said Deidara.

At Ninja Academy...

" Okay kids!" said Iruka, " Today you guys will be sculpting Ninja Tools with this Play-Doh we got from a guy name "Dei, un"."

" This stinks!" said Konohamaru, " Play-Doh's for babies!"

" Well if you don't then I'll fail you." said Iruka, popping out of nowhere.

" This clay isn't so bad, Konohamaru!" said Udon, already done making two shuriken.

Konohamaru glanced at the shuriken and saw they were turning red.

" Iruka-sensei!" Konohamaru pointed to the clay.

Everybody's "Play-Doh" was now smoking.

" Oh, snap." said Iruka.

**BOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

The Akatsuki lair saw a red mushroom where Ninja Academy used to be.

" Looks like they got the clay." said Hidan.

" At least the Dr. Phil tapes are on Ebay now." said Kakuzu.

At the Hyuuga Mansion...

Neji was watching Naruto: Abridged Series on his computer when the phone rang.

" What is it?" he asked.

" Hey Neji!" Tenten was on the other end.

" What do you want? I'm busy."

" Sorry to bother you, but I heard that this guy named Dr. Phil got murdered by the orange-masked freak we saw at Ichiraku's, riight?"

" Right?"

" So there's an auction on Ebay that's selling his tapes and according to my calculations they're worth... 500,000 Ryo."

Yen signs appeared in Neji's eyes. He hung up and went to Ebay and placed a bid.

" Now I have to wait two days."

Two days later...

" WHAT!?" Neji lost the auction and the tapes went to...GreenYouthfulBeast#1?

" WHOOOOO!!" Lee crashed through the door and waved a bundle of cash in front of Neji's face.

" SEE!? YOUTH PAID OFF!"

" Lee..."

**THE**

**END**


	24. Karoke! Part 4: Akatsuki Idiots

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto and karoke wasn't created by Eskimos.

**Chapter XXIV**

**Karoke!**

**Part IV: Akatsuki Idiots**

" TOBI SING! TOBI SING!"

" TOBI SHUT UP, UN!"

" OW!"

Deidara smacked Tobi upside the head.

" TOBI JUST WANTED TO SING, SEMPAI!"

" WELL SEMPAI DON'T CARE, YEAH!"

He smacked him even harder. A pink bump popped out of his head.

" All right, WHO WANTS TO SING?" asked Leader, waving the microphone in front of Itachi's face.

" No." he said, not looking up from Volume 102.

" Let Tobi sing!" yelled Tobi, Deidara smacking him across the head again, making many small bumps pop from his original bump.

" Come on, Dei, have a heart." said Kakuzu, " I have five! Want one?"

He waved a heart he extracted from himself in front of Deidara.

" Ew, un."

" TOBI SING! TOBI SING! OR ELSE!" Tobi brought out a rusty chainsaw that mysteriously had blood and gray hair on it..

" OKAY! OKAY!" said Leader, " The stage is all yours!"

Tobi hopped onstage and began the music to his favorite song.

_Don't wanna be an American Idiot_

_Don't wanna nation under the new media _

_Just listen to the sound of hysteria_

_The subliminal mind f--- America_

" OOH! HE SWORE!" yelled Leader.

" Good thing the author was nice enough to censor it." said Itachi.

" Woah. Tobi's GOOD." said Zetsu.

" Yeah, you're right." agreed Hidan.

" He's...okay, un."

Tobi continued the song.

_Welcome to a new kind of tension_

_All across the alien nation_

_Everything isn't meant to be okay_

_Television dreams of tommorow_

_We're not the meant to follow_

_Pray that that's enough to argue_

" Okay. I admit it, un. He's AWESOME, YEAH!"

Itachi punched Deidara into a wall.

" What have you done to Deidara!?" he asked, threatening to strangle him.

" Relax, Itachi." said Kakuzu, " He's just growing a heart. A big, plump, juicy heart..."

" Don't get any bright ideas, Kakuzu." said Sasori, " We all know his heart would taste very bad and will cause you to act like a girl and look like a girl."

" WHAT'D YOU SAY, PUNK, UN!?"

Deidara threatened to slam him with clay.

" Well, at least I'm listening." said Blue, waving her glow stick in the air like at concerts.

_Well maybe I'm the faggot America_

_Another point of a redneck agenda_

_Now everyone do the propaganda_

_And sing along to the age of paronoia_

" Chill, Deidara, or else I will destroy you with my true weapon. AKA, YOUR WEAKNESS!" yelled Leader.

" NO, UN! IT CAN'T BE, UN!"

" YES! I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH.." Leader pulled out...CORN DOGS!?

_Welcome to a new kind of tension_

_All across the alien nation_

_Everything isn't meant to be okay_

_Television dreams of tommorow_

_We're not the meant to follow_

_Pray that that's enough to argue_

Leader threw them at high speed, Dei barely dodging them.

" Give it up and eat the high fat,beef, chicken, and pork cornbreaded goodness!" yelled Leader.

" Never, yeah! I'm Jewish!"

Leader threw another one but it hit Tobi instead!

_Don't wanna be an American Idiot_

_One nation controlled by the media_

_Information age of hysteria_

_It's all going out to Idiot America_

Tobi fell off stage and hit the floor, his microphone causing feedback.

" I'll finish it." said Itachi, grabbing the microphone.

" WHOO!" said Blue.

Everyone sweatdropped.

_Welcome to a new kind of tension_

_All across the alien nation_

_Everything isn't meant to be okay_

_Television dreams of tommorow_

_We're not the meant to follow_

_Pray that that's enough to argue_

Itachi bowed, and a corn dog hit him in the face.

" Grrrr..."

" SORRY!"

Itachi warped in front of Leader and strangled him.

" STOP THROWING CORNDOGS!" he screamed.

" TOBI HAVE SPICY MUSTARD IN HIS EYE!" Tobi woke up.

Here's what happened: Zetsu thought Tobi was dead so he squirted spicy mustard all over him.

" What? I was just hungry!" said Zetsu, still squirting spicy mustard on Tobi.

" Well, WHO'S NEXT?" said Leader, throwing the microphone into the crowd, " Somebody better catch that microphone. IT COST ME 4,000 RYO!"

And the person who caught it was...

**THE**

**END...****FOR NOW...**


	25. Akatsuki Family Day! Tobi

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto was created by a Japanese guy, not Eskimos.

**Chapter XXV**

**Akatsuki Family Day!**

**Part 1: Tobi**

It was a sunny morning when Leader made an announcement.

" Members, today is AKATSUKI FAMILY DAY!"

" What's so great about families?" asked Itachi, " MY only family is my younger brother who's trying to kill me.

" And MY son is teaming up with HIS younger brother and HE'S trying to kill ME!" said Kisame.

" What's with all the capitals?" asked Sasori.

" It's for emphasis." answered Kisame, " EMPHASIS!"

Sasori sweatdropped.

" Well, at least YOU have a family, un" said Deidara, " MY only family is my hands!"

" If you guys don't stop talking about your families, I'll have to go PHIL ON YOU!" yelled Leader.

" Relax, Pein." said Blue." MY only family is a blue dog who got a lucky break starring on dumb babies' show."

" Well, anyway, I asked someone's family to come by today." said Leader.

" Who's family?" asked Hidan.

Suddenly, a guy in a red mask, another in a yellow mask, and another in a blue mask crashed through the door.

" MOMMY! DADDY!" yelled Tobi.

He ran to them and gave them a hug.

" I guess masks are a trait in Tobi's family." said Leader, sweatdropping.

" Who this, mommy?" asked Tobi, pointing down at the kid in the blue mask.

" This is your new baby sister, Tobita!" said Tobi's dad.

" We adopted her from Konoha!" said Tobi's mom.

Tobita smiled up at Tobi, but Tobi looked mad.

" But MOOOMM!" yelled Tobi, " I've seen what happens in TV shows! You'll neglect me over Tobita and I feed her to the wolves!"

" Don't be silly, Tobi!" said Tobi's dad, " There's no wolves around here!"

" Yeah, you're right." said Tobi, " Anyway...TOBI A GOOD BOY!"

" TOBITA A GOOD GIRL!" yelled Tobita.

" DAAAD! TOBITA'S CRAMPING MY STYLE!" said Tobi.

" That looks like another trait in Tobi's family, un." said Deidara.

" What IS your dad's name anyway?" asked Leader.

" My name is Tobi Sr.!" said Tobi Sr.

" And I'M Tobita Sr." said Tobita Sr.

" So you name you're WHOLE FAMILY Tobi and Tobita?" asked Blue.

" Actually, our great-grandfather did something reckless!" said Tobi Sr., " He put TWO Bs in his name!"

" Well, how come your name is Tobi and her name is Tobita and everybody's name is that?" asked Zetsu.

" Online Dating Service." said Tobi Sr.

" That makes sense." said Itachi, reading Volume 123.

" Well, thank you Mr. and Mrs... what should i call you?" asked Leader.

" Uchiha." answered Tobita Sr., walking out the door.

" UCHIHAS!?" said Itachi, readying his sword.

" Uh oh." said the Uchihas minus Itachi.

The Tobis and Tobitas ran for their lives, Itachi following close behind.

" GET BACK HERE!" yelled Itachi.

" Well, that was fun, un." said Deidara.

Then, the Akatsuki saw the weirdest thing: The masked Uchihas followed by Itachi followed by Sasuke followed by Sakura followed by Naruto followed by Hinata followed by Kiba.Weird.

**THE**

**END**


	26. Akatsuki Goes To Target Part 1: STUFF!

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto ain't an Eskimo.

**Chapter XXVI**

**Akatsuki Goes to Target**

**Part I: Need for STUFF!**

" SEMPAIIIIIII!!!!!!"

" What is it, un?"

" NO MORE ANIMAL CRACKERS!"

Tobi pointed to a huge pile of empty animal cracker boxes.

" What do you want ME to do about it, un?"

" Buy more, sempai?" Tobi shook a box in Deidara's annoyed face.

" AAAAHHH!!!!!!"

" SCREAMING!" yelled Tobi.

" Where'd that come from, un?" asked Dei.

" TOBI FIND OUT!" Tobi shouted, running towards the noise.

" Who can be screaming at 5:00 in the morning, yeah?"

Tobi followed the scream all the way to Hidan's room.

" What's wrong?" asked Tobi, opening the door.

" MY BLOOD IS ALL GONE!" yelled Hidan.

" How can you tell?"

" LOOK!" Hidan slit himself with his lucky knife and a puff of air came out of his skin.

But NO blood. This time he stabbed himself. Still no blood.

" I'M A FAILURE AS AN IMMORTAL!" he sobbed out.

" AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"  
" AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!"  
" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

" WOW! THREE SCREAMS AT ONCE!" said Tobi.

Suddenly, Kisame, Zetsu, and Blue all crammed into the room.

" My dentures broke!" yelled Kisame, pulling out of his mouth some dentures with lots of chipped teeth.

" My cows are gone!" yelled Zetsu, suddenly burping up a cowbell.

" I'm out of makeup!" said Blue.

" MEMBERS!!!" Everyone turned around to see Leader in his pajamas. They were black with Akatsuki clouds on them.

" What, un?" asked Deidara.

" I see that almost eveyone is out of stuff." said Leader.

" Obviously." said Blue.

" So, we're going to TARGET!"

" What's so great about Target?" asked Itachi, popping out of nowhere with Volume 135.

" Well, I just love that little doggie with the red spot on his eye!" said Leader, dogs spinning around his head.

" How are we supposed to go to Target at 5:00 in the morning?" asked Kisame.

" Oh, yeah. I forgot about the time." said Leader, " Oh well. Everyone, in 5 hours... TO THE AKATSUKIMOBILE!"

5 hours later in the AkatsukiGarage...

" Well, who's gonna drive?" asked Leader.

" Me." said Itachi, reading Volume 136.

" How can you drive when you're nearly blind and your head is stuck in that book all the time?" asked Sasori.

" Because I'm awesome." said Itachi, not looking up from his book.

" THAT'S TRUE!" yelled Blue.

Everyone sweatdropped.

" Well, Itachi, you better get behind the wheel." said Leader.

" Fine then." replied Itachi, starting the bus.

They drove off and went for Target.

" How come I feel like we forgot something, un?" asked Deidara.

Back in the Akatsuki Lair...

Tobi walked out of the bathroom, looking very relieved.

" Tobi ready!" he yelled.

He went to the garage to see they already left.

" Oh well." said Tobi.

He went back into the living room to watch the Naruto Hundo.

" Now I have the TV ALL to myself!"said Tobi, going under the couch for his secret stash of animal crackers and Mountain Dew.

" THIS beats going to a crummy old shopping center!"

Too bad he didn't see a certain snake person driving to Target as well...

**To Be Continued...**


	27. Organization Idol! Part 1: The Contest

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: No Eskimos were involved in the creation of Naruto.

**Chapter XXVII**

**Organization Idol**

**Part I: The Contest**

" GUYS! GUYS!" Leader ran downstairs, holding a flyer in his hand.

" Hey, Itachi." whispered Sasori, " Leader didn't call us his fellow members. Waz up wit that?"

" First of all, Sasori, quit talking street." said Itachi, " And two, this is important."

" Do you remember Organization XIII?" asked Leader.

" Who could forget?" said Hidan.

FLASHBACK

" SEMPAI! WHERE ARE YOU?" Tobi was lost at the manga convention when he saw a guy in a black cloak.

There were many zippers on it and he had his hood on. Tobi walked over to him.

" HELLO! My name is Tobi! What yours?"

The man took of his hood to reveal a teen with spiky red hair.

" It's Axel. Got it memorized?" said Axel.

" AXEL!" Another hooded person marched up to Axel.

It took off its hood to reveal a girl with blonde hair and two little locks of hair popping out.

" Where have you been? Superior said to meet at the portal at 3:00." she said.

" Calm down, Larxene. This is Tobi." said Axel, pointing to Tobi.

" TOBI A GOOD BOY!" he burst out.

" Oh great. Another idiot." Larxene muttered to herself, " Well, why are you standing there? Axel, we have to go."

" You and what army?" Axel said.

Electricity moved all around Larxene. She drew out her knives and Axel looked like he just wet himself.

" Fine then! Bye Tobi." Axel left with Larxene.

" AXEY GOT A GIRLFRIEND!" burst out Tobi, pointing at them.

Larxene slowly turned her head back and gaped at Tobi.

" What...did..you say?" she asked.

" Axey got a girlfriend!" repeated Tobi, hearts popping out of his head.

" You..are DEAD MEAT!" she yelled, throwing her knives at his head.

Tobi dodged them, but the electricity shocked him to submission. Deidara walked over to him.

" Tobi, un?"

" Take your idiot back home." said Larxene, " And tell everybody Organization XIII is going to kick YOUR BUTT!"

End Flashback

" Well, anyway, they challenged us to a game of Organization Idol." said Leader, " And they aren't going to push us around anymore!"

" THEY bullied you, Leader?" asked Itachi.

" Yeah, Xemnas gave me wedgie once in high school" said Leader.

Everyone sweatdropped.

" Well, we've got to get to that contest." Leader got everyone in the car and they went to the World That Never Was portal.

They got out and saw... American Idol?

" Right this way." A bunch of guards escorted them to the stage.

On stage, there was an announcer host guy.

" My name is Shippuden 90706 and this is..."

" ORGANITAZION IDOL!" went the audience.

" Today, " said Shippuden, " we have two organizations who are to be pitted against each other in a singing contest. I welcome, Organization XIII..."

The crowd cheered and threw roses at them.

" FLOWERS!" yelled Marluxia, grabbing them

Organization XIII sweatdropped.

"... and the Akatsuki!"

The crowd threw rocks at them and they hit Itachi in the eye.

" That hurt." he said calmly.

" And we have our judges, Sora!"

The crowd started screaming. Security held off fangirls.

"..Naruto Uzumaki..."

The crowd also screamed and the Akatsuki tried to ambush him, but they were stopped.

"... and Edward Elric!"

Everybody stayed calm and one person called him shorty.

" WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY AMOBEA THAT CAN'T BE SEEN BY THE HUMAN EYE!?" Ed yelled out, throwing a spear at the crowd. Two people died.

" Well, they will start picking who moves up to the next round and who gets eliminated. But we can't start this contest without YOU." Shippuden points at you, " we need you to vote for five people from each team and REVIEW! After that, the ten most picked will have a chance to become... the ORGANIZATION IDOL!!"

The crowd cheered some more and the chapter ended. What? Now all you have to do is press that purple button and help this story keep going. Pwetty pwease?

**To Be Continued... R&R!**


	28. Orgi Idol Part 2: Axel

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto and Kingdom Hearts and Full Metal Alchemist AIN'T MINE.

**Chapter XXVIII**

**Orgi. Idol!**

**Part II: Axel**

" We are BACK with..."

" ORGANIZATION IDOL!!!" The crowd screamed and cheered as the ten chosen came out.

" Okay, thanks to Skaterspell 548, we have chosen TEN lucky members! For Orgazination XIII, give it up for AXEL!!!!!"

The crowd went wild as the red-haired teen walked onstage.

" Larxey, isn't that your boyfriend?" asked Tobi, pointing at Axel flipping through the songs.

" Okay, one, DON'T call me Larxey. And TWO, if I the guards didn't revoke my license to kill, you'd have 1000 electric knives wedged in your EYEHOLE." responed Larxene.

" Hey, un." said Dei, stepping up to Larxene, " NOBODY wedges something in THIS retard's eyehole but ME, un."

Just then, Axel started his song.

_Falling falling  
The sun is burning black  
Falling falling  
It's beating on my back  
With a fire  
With a fire_

One of the fangirls got loose from the crowd and went for Axel.

" AXEY!!" she screamed.

Just when she was just about to reach him, Axel sliced her in half.

" This day just gets worse." he said, cleaning the blood on his weapon. __

Falling falling  
The moon is running red  
Falling falling  
It's pulling me instead  
With a-

" STOP! STOP!"

Axel stopped singing to see Sora waving his arms, wanting Axel to stop.

" What is it, ROXAS?" asked Axel, pointing his pointed wheel thing at him.

" One, I am NOT ROXAS!" Two, you can't draw a weapon. Sorry Axel, but you're disqualified."

All the Axel fans left and half the building was empty.

" What...did...you say?" asked Axel, having a crazy look on his face.

" You're done." said Sora, " NEXT!"

Suddenly, Axel thrust his weapon through Sora, his arm sticking out of his back. He left the building, crying.

Then, it went black and Sora was floating in mid-air, a heart above him. Then there was a red button that said Continue and a blue one that said Load Game. Naruto pressed Continue and Sora came back to life.

" Thanks. I needed that." said Sora.

" No problem." said Naruto, taking a sip from his "water" cup," Okay, next is..."

The place went black and the words To Be Continued appeared on screen. Well, what are you waiting for? Read another story or review!

**To Be Contin-**

" WAIT A MINUTE!" screamed Ed, " You didn't mention ME, SHIPPUDEN!"

" Because you're a shrimp." said Shippuden.

Everything else is rated MA.

**To Be Continued...**__


	29. Org Idol! Part 3: Itachi

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: No anime is mine.

**Chapter XXIX**

**Org. Idol!**

**Part III: Itachi**

" All right, we are back wi-"

" COULD YOU GET ON WITH IT!"

" Geez, Saix, didn't you take those anger management classes I assigned you?"

" Ummm...no. I killed them."

"..."

"..."

" Okay, ANYWAY, please welcome the most popular member of AKATSUKI, ITACHI UCHIHA!!"

Itachi walked out on stage, and he was wearing...eyeglasses?

" Uchiha, wat up wit da glasses, brah?" asked Shippuden.

" One, that was VERY bad street! Two, a certain PLANT MAN ate them." Itachi looked over at Zetsu, who started whistling casually, burping out half a contact box.

" Anyway, START DA TUNES!"

Itachi started his song, everyone not so surprised with his choice.

_Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say.  
I never want to let you down or have you go, it's better off this way.  
For all the dirty looks, the photographs your boyfriend took,  
Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?_

I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out

All the Itachi fangirl hordes brought shot guns and blew off the heads of security to get past. They went for Itachi but something stopped them.

ZAP!

All of them were slaughtered by...SASUKE?

" SASUKE!?" Naruto stood up from his seat half-drunk.

" NOBODY COMES NEAR THIS JERKWAD BUT ME!" yelled Sasuke, firing up another Chidori.

" Foolish brother." said Itachi.

__

What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?  
(I'm not okay)  
I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means  
(I'm not okay)  
To be a joke and look, another line without a hook  
I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!

I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out

Sasuke went for Itachi but GRABBED THE MIC INSTEAD. Does this sound familiar?

" LOOKS LIKE IT'S A DUET!" yelled Shippuden, " THINGS AWE GONNA GET HOT AND SPICEEE!!!"

" I'll only do this if I get to kill him afterwards, okay?" whispered Sasuke to Itachi._  
_

_**Sasuke:**__Forget about the dirty looks  
The photographs your boyfriend took  
You said you read me like a book, but the pages all are torn and frayed_

_**Itachi:**__I'm okay  
I'm okay!  
I'm okay, now  
__**Sasuke:**__(I'm okay, now)_

_**Itachi:**__But you really need to listen to me  
Because I'm telling you the truth  
I mean this, I'm okay!  
__**Sasuke:**__(Trust Me)_

_**Sasuke:**__I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
Well, I'm not okay  
I'm not o-f-kay  
I'm not okay  
I'm not okay  
__**Both:**__(Okay)_

Everyone cheered as they saw the two brothers finish another emo song together.

" Can I kill him now?" asked Sasuke.

" Sure." said Itachi.

" No killing until the judges make their final decision!" said Shippu, popping out from nowhere, " Judges?"

" YOU! WERE! GOD!" yelled Naruto, drinking the last of his "water".

" Naruto, are you drunk?" asked Sora, waving his Keyblade in Naruto's face.

A long silence followed.

" I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT GOD!" yelled Naruto, breaking of the top of the sake bottle and downing the whole thing.

" Well, that was WAY better than when Riku was singing along to it on his Ipod nano on the islands." said Sora, " I think you should move up!"

" THAT WAS AWFUL!" yelled Ed, " Everybody knows Rise Against PWNS MCR!"

Sasuke and Itachi put their signature glares on Ed.

" Itachi-teme, I change my mind. I want to kill HIM."

" Go for it."

CENSORED

" AW MAN!!!" yelled Shippu, looking down on the bloody remains of what used to be the Fullmetal Alchemist, " YOU KILLED THE GUEST JUDGE!"

" Sorry, but all emos know MCR pwns Rise Against." said Itachi.

" No problem. We'll just get a new guest for the next chapter! Any suggestions?"

Everyone stayed quiet.

" AW MAN! BUT THAT MEANS I'LL HAVE TO ASK THE READERS!"

PRESS IT ALREADY!

**To Be Continued...**

In case you're all wondering, Axel didn't make it to the next round. So I guess all the Axel fans can just quit on this series forever and read some boring old Drama/Romance Organization XIII fic. Go along.

SCATTER!!

GO MCR!  
GO RISE AGAINST!

- (\/)  
(n.n)  
- ()


	30. Org IdolPart 4: Orochi,Ansem,Dei,OH MY!

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: You know already, OKAY!?

**Chapter XXX**

**Org. Idol!**

**Part IV: Orochi, Ansem, Dei, OH MY!**

" Hello, and...SAIX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BOMB!?"

" Venting out my feelings... ON THE AUDIENCE! DIE FANGIRLS!"

" AAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

CENSORED

" Anyway, my imaginary friend, Anti Jackie Chan, or AJC, told me which judge he wanted to star on this show! Give it up for... CHRIS TUCKER!"

He ran onstage and got things thrown on him.

" GET OUT OF HERE, YA BLACK BUM!" yelled some kid.

" WHAT YOU SAY TO ME RACIST?" yelled back Chris, " FO' YO' INFOMATION, SANTA CLAUS IS DEAD! AND IF HE'S NOT, HE'S BLACK!"

" So what, I'M JEWISH!" yelled the kid.

" (beep)" went Chris.

" Sorry, Chris, but you're gonna have to leave." said Shippu, " No one says bad words in this fic."

" Whatever." said Chris Tucker, " I just came here cause AntiJackie promised me Black French chicks!"

He walked offstage and got ran over by a certain snake person's motorcycle...

AFTER FINDING A NEW JUDGE

" Sorry about that folks, but now we have a judge with hopefully a less colorful vocabulary, give it up for... SHIPPO THE FOX!"

The little fox demon hopped on the judge's table and looked at Naruto. He sniffed him.

" What is it, mutant?" asked Naruto, still a little drunk from last chapter.

" YOU'RE A FOX!" yelled Shippo in delight.

" Well, thank you! Everybody's been telling me how foxy I am." answered Naruto.

" Not FOXY, dimbulb. FOXXXXX!!!!" said Shippo, getting spit all over Naruto's face.

"Oooooh." went Naruto, " Well, I'm not a fox. I have a fox inside me named Kyubbi."

" KYUBBI?" said Shippo, " The Kyubbi that wrecked Konoha 13 years ago?"

" Yes."

" HE'S MY BABY BROTHER!"

Naruto's right eye twitched. How could the great and powerful Kyubbi be brothers with THIS little punk?

" HEY! You watch what you're typing, Shippu! I can read it when I get on a computer!" yelled Shippo.

" Whatever." said Shippu, " Well, since Marluxia got ran over by an ambulance, please welcome an equally as girly person, DEIDARA!"

Nothing happened.

" DEIDARA!" repeated Shippu.

Suddenly, a-

BOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

" WHAT THE (beep) WHAS THAT!?" yelled Sora, sake all over his face.

When the smoke cleared, Deidara was standing over a dead guard.

" DON'T YOU DARE PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, UN!" yelled Deidara, " I AM A PROUD AND BRAVE WOMAN, YEAH!"

Everyone sweatdropped.

" At least we know what Deidara's real gender is now." said Leader.

" Um...uh... OKAY, I'm REALLY disturbed right now!" said Shippu, " like when I found out Shippo was a BOY!"

" What'd you say, punk?" asked Shippo with a sinister glare, " SPINNING TOP!"

" WAAAH!!!!"

A giant top span on Shippu's head. It shrunk and Shippu was knocked out. Sora went over to him.

" HE'S DEAD!" yelled Sora, " BUT THE SAKE ISN'T! WHOOO!"

AFTER FINDING A NEW JUDGE

" Well, Shippu is resting right now, so I'm your judge for the next few chapters, ROXAS!!!"

The crowd cheered and-

CRASH!

A man with pale skin, long black hair, and a purple butt bow walked threw a giant hole in the wall. This was Orochimaru.

" Sorry I'm late, but I got stuck in traffic so I killed everybody." he said.

He then walked over to the Akatsuki.

" Sorry, Orochi, but you left years ago.;" said Leader, " Now SCATTER!"

" But I brought a friend!" said Orochimaru.

CRASH!

A guy with a long white jacket, white long hair, and a heartless floating behind him went through a hole. This was Ansem.

" I'm here for Organization Idol." he said.

" Ansem, for the 100,843,465,830 time, YOU AREN'T PART OF THE CONTEST!" yelled Xemnas.

" Well, ANYWAY, Dei, BEGIN DA SONG, MY BRUDDA!" yelled Roxas.

Deidara was just about to start Barbie Girl when Ansem and Orochi switched it with another.

" Oh no, un."

_**Orochi:**__She's into superstitions black cats and voodoo dolls.  
I feel a premonition that girl's gonna make me fall.  
She's into new sensations new kicks in the candle light.  
She's got a new addiction for every day and night. _

" What are they doing?" wondered Roxas, " They are WAY OFF-KEY!"

Ansem and Orochimaru pointed at Deidara for the next part.

" STOP IT, UN!" yelled Deidara, " I AM NOT A GIRL, YEAH!"

" You are to me, Dei-chan!" said Orochimaru.

Deidara was about to have a three-way puking session.

" Tell me about it." murmured Sasori.

_**Both:**__Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca  
She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca  
Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha  
She will wear you out livin la vida loca Come On!  
Livin la vida loca, Come on!  
She's livin la vida loca.  
_Deidara flicked some clay onto Ansem's head and it exploded.

"EEEP!" went Orochi.

" NOW YOU, UN!"

" A-a-after this!" said Orochi shakily.

Deidara threw the clay and Tobi caught it and put it in his pocket.

" POO PEE!" he said, skipping to the bathroom.

Deidara saw smoke coming from his pocket.

" Uh oh, un."

While he was distracted, Orochi brought Ansem back to life by using one of the audience in a jutsu.

" Thanks!" said Ansem.

_**Both:**__Upside, inside out she's livin la vida loca  
She'll push and pull you down, livin la vida loca  
Her lips are devil red and her skin's the color mocha  
She will wear you out livin la vida loca Come On!  
Livin la vida loca, Come on!  
She's livin la vida loca. _

The people cheered as the villians finished.

" Judges?" asked Roxas.

" YOU! WERE! GOD!" yelled Sora and Naruto, who apparently were drunk because a certain masked person spiked their drinks on the way to the bathroom...

" Well, Inuyasha and Miroku always sing that song on Kagome's CD player, and on this show, I don't have to get beaten up everytime I say they're awful!" said Shippo.

" So I win, un?" asked Deidara.

When Shippo was just about to say his ans-

BOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!!!!!!!

" TOILET BOWL STUCK ON CEILING!" yelled Tobi, coming out of the bathroom, or at least, what was LEFT of the bathroom.

" Looks like the clay in your pants exploded." said Roxas.

" Then what happened to your (beep)?" asked Sasori to Tobi.

" Looks like the Tobis will die out." said Itachi, reading Volume 297.

" What happened to the judges?" asked Xigbar.

" They're dead!" said Tobi, secretly slipping the leftover sake bottles under his cloak.

" Look what I found!" said Roxas, " A note!"

" What does it say?" asked Zetsu.

" It says ' In case the judges die caused by an explosion of a clay bomb in Tobi's pants, REPLACE THEM. P.S If Shippo dies before he gives his answer, It's NO. P.S.S Dei is gone.'" read Roxas.

" AW, UN!" yelled Deidara.

" So, seriously, what happened to his (beep)?" asked Sasori.

**To Be Continued...**

Sorry to ask, but I REALLY need you to give me more judge ideas! I'm having fiction block!


	31. Org Idol Part 5: Zexion Needs Respect

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: ELMO HAS A GUN!

**Chapter XXXI**

**Org. Idol!**

**Part V: Zexion Needs Respect!**

" Hello, everybody! Roxas was eaten by Sora, so I'm your new host, Goku!"

Suddenly, Vegeta hopped onto the stage.

" KAKAROT!"

" Not now, Vegeta, I finally get to host! Now, please welcome one of the shortest members of Organitazion XIII, ZEXION!"

Nothing.

" HEY! WHERE'S THE SHRIMP!?" yelled a random fan.

Then, a stick was hurled at his head.

WHAM!

He was knocked out. Pretty lame, huh?

" I'm down here, retard." said a voice.

" Zexion!" said Lexaus.

He picked him up and dropped him onstage. Zexion had to lower the microphone to about half its height.

" Ahem. This is a song I dedicate to all midgets." said Zexion.

" SAY IT, BRUDDAH!" yelled Vegeta.

" Vegeta, you're a midget?" asked Goku.

" Yeah, I'm 42." he answered.

Goku sweatdropped.

Then, the music began.

_What you want, baby, I got.  
What you need, you know I got it.  
All I askin' is for a little respect  
When you come home, baby.  
When you come home,  
Respect._

Zexion then started swaying and pointed at the Organization.__

I ain't gonna do you wrong while you gone,  
I ain't gonna do you wrong 'cause I don't wanna.  
All I askin' is for a little respect  
When you come home, baby.  
When you come home,  
Respect.

" HE'S AMAZING!" cried out Sonic the Hedgehog, one of the new judges.

" I've seen better." murmured Riku.

" ROCK ON, LITTLE MAN!" yelled Donald, " SHOW THEM WHAT SHORT PEOPLE ARE MADE OF!"__

I'm out to give you all my money  
But all I'm askin in return, honey,  
Is to give me my proper respect  
When you get home, yeah baby,  
When you get home.  
Ooh, your kisses sweeter than honey  
But guess what, so here's my money.  
All I want you to do for me is give me some here  
When you get home, yeah baby,  
When you get home.  
R-E-S-P-E-C-T,  
Find out what it means to me.  
R-E-S-P-E-C-T,  
Hey Boy, T-C-B.  
A little respect ...

The audience started crying and apologizing to the short people around them.

" Kakarot, I'M SORRY!" cried out Vegeta, hugging Goku, " I ONLY WANTED TO BEAT YOU TO MAKE MYSELF TALLER!"

" ME TOO!" yelled Frieza, coming out of nowhere to hug Vegeta, " I ONLY KILLED YOU TO BECOME TALLER!"

They all started wailing, except Goku, who turned Super Saiyan to blow them off.

" Well, judges?" said Goku.

" THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, MAN!" sobbed Riku, " I SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE FUN OF KING MICKEY'S GLOVES!"

" Okay... I hate respect." said Donald, " but, I LIKE CAKE!"

" I hate the shorties." said Sonic, " Sorry, man, but you lose."

Hearing this, Zexion started wailiing.

" DIDN'T YOU GET THE MESSAGE!???" he wailed, running off stage, only to get run over by an 18 wheeler.

" Anyway, looks like I have to go!" said Goku, " I have a bomb strapped to the back of my he-"

BOOOM!

Goku's head blew off, blood spraying everywhere. Frieza started chuckling sinisterly.

After finding a sub judge...

" HELLO! I'm Sephiroth, and I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

The room went silent.

" Well, I'll only be judging the next one, so HOLD ONTO YOUR HEADS!"

The audience cheered.

" No, I mean it because when I get excited, I kill."_  
_Everyone left except for the anime people from different shows.

" WHOOO!!!! BRING ON THE GIRLS!" cheered Miroku from the stands.

He then got a sharp whack on the head from a large boomerang.

" I'M CRAZY! I'M CRAZY!" yelled Envy, changing into different forms due to a massive overdose of sugar pills.

" Well, tune in next time on Orgy Idol and- what?It's not orgy? I can't say orgy on a K+ rated fiction? Oh well, I'm just a sub.- Well, anyway, R&R... OR ELSE!"

**THE**

**END**


	32. Org Idol! Part 6: Tobi & Larxene

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Cookie Monster is in rehab.

**Chapter XXXIV**

**Org. Idol!**

**Part VI: Tobi (Vader?) and Larxene**

" Hello, and I'm your new host, Sephiroth, and I'LL CUT OFF YOUR HEADS!"

The audience stayed quiet.

" Well, anyway, please welcome, our next contestant, TOBI!"

Tobi ran onstage with... A TOY LIGHTSABER AND DARTH VADER CAPE?

" What's with the getup?" asked Sephiroth.

" THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH TOBI!" yelled Tobi, waving his lightsaber, bnging Seph on the head.

" Whatever. Well, Tobi, pick a song."

" THE FORCE WILL HELP ME DECIDE!" yelled Tobi, reaching his hand over the karoke machine.

He strained and strained for the machine to give him an answer, when suddenly-POOT.

" READY!" yelled Tobi, picking a song.

_I'm not wearing dainderpear today_

_I say I'm not wearing dainderpear today_

_I know you don't care that much about my dainderpear _

_But I'm not wearing dainderpear today!_

In one verse, Tobi's song was over.

" That's it?" asked Seph, " You spent the last 5 hours in your wardrobe to wear a geeky Star Wars outfit and sing about UNDERWEAR?"

" Dainderpear, actually." said Tobi, pulling out a pair from his pocket, " Want one?"

All the anime people sweatdropped.

" Judges?" said Seph.

By the way, the other judges got food poisoning by eating out of a daiper, so the new judges were Envy, Inuyasha, and Goofy.

" DAINDIES RULE DUDE!" yelled Envy, taking two more bottles of sugar pills.

" You sound like somebody gotran over by a truck driven by Envy." said Inu, showing more intrest in Itachi's book then the show.

" Gawrsh, Dainderpear sounds like something out of a Huggies commercial!" said Goofy, " DAT OFF DA HOOK!"

" Goofy, stop speaking street." said Seph, drawing his sword, " you're starting to hang around Sasori too much!"

" Well, I guess that means Tobi moves on, so let's see our next guest, LARXENE!"

" YOU CALL THIS A HAIRSTYLE!?" Larxene was inside her room, probably shouting at her hairdresser.

" Larxey, where are you?" asked Seph, " It dosen't matter what your hair looks like, all that matters is- OH MY GOSH!"

Larxene came out with her hair in a blonde afro.

" I'm never hiring a teenage hippie to do my hair again!" she yelled.

" Just start the song already!" yelled Inu.

" All right then, Dog Breath!" yelled Larxene, throwing a knive at Inuyashe, barely missing his ear.

She walked onstage and began her song.

_They're gonna clean up your looks  
With all the lies in the books  
To make a citizen out of you  
Because they sleep with a gun  
And keep an eye on you, son  
So they can watch all the things you do_

" She's singing an emo song?" asked Envy, currently sticking Sharpies up his nostrils.

" PRAISE GERARD!" yelled Itachi and Sasuke, popping out of nowhere.  
_  
Because the drugs never work  
They're gonna give you a smirk  
'Cause they got methods of keeping you clean  
They're gonna rip up your heads,  
Your aspirations to shreds Another cog in the murder machine_

" She's HORRIBLE!" yelled Zexion from the sidelines.

" You're only upset because she didn't go out with you." said Axel, making it so only Zexion could hear him.

_They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me  
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed  
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose  
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me_

" THAT'S IT, I QUIT!" yelled Larxene's hairdresser, throwing down a comb, " BUT FIRST, I'LL KILL YOU!"

She pulled out two black and white hair dryers that turned out to be Ebony & Ivory.

DEVIL MAY CRY 1

Dante was at the bottom of the castle, fighting off the lava-filleed Mundus.

" DANTE!" Trish came out of nowhere, " FIRE EBONY & IVORY! THEY'RE HIS WEAKNESS!"

" GOT IT!" Dante reached for them but they were missing... AGAIN.

" At least I have a yellow orb with me!" yelled Dante.

Suddenly, the orb fell out and shattered.

" Oh ." said Dante as Mundus closed in on him...

ORG. IDOL

" DIE!" yelled the hippie.

She fired E & I and- BAM!

The bullets hit the steel of- AXEL'S WEAPON?

" Who else is supposed to pick up groceries while the other 12 watch TV?" said Axel.

It then became-

" A duet?" asked Seph to the person typing the story.

Quit it!

_**Axel:**__And all the boys and girls in the clique  
The awful names that they stick  
You're never gonna fit in much, kid  
But if you're troubled and hurt  
What you got under your shirt  
Will make them pay for the things that they did_

" Tell me about it." murmured Dei.__

_**Larxene:**__They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me  
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed  
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose  
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me_

_**Both:**__Ohhh yeah!_

_**Axel:**__They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me  
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed  
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose  
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me_

_**Larxene:**__All together now!_

_**Larxene:**__Teenagers scare the living shit out of me  
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed  
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose  
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me_

_**Axel:**__Teenagers scare the living shit out of me  
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed  
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose  
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me_

They bowed, dodging another barrage of bullets from the hippie.

" Judges?" asked Seph.

" YOU! WERE! AAAWWWEEESSSOOOMMMEEE!!!" yelled Envy, chewing Sharpie tips and sniffing sugar pill powder.

" How could you sing that song when both of you are teenagers too?" asked Inu.

" YAY!" yelled Goofy. That probably meant good job.

" All right then, Tobi, Larxey, you both move on! Stay tuned next time to see the big ORGANIZATION LEADER FACE OFF! LEADER AND XEMNAS WILL SING TO SEE WHO BEATS WHO!

" What happened to Zetsu's song?" asked Envy, who had sniffed so much powder, his memory was improving and he finally memorized his ABDs.

" He left to go to a singles mixer in the Amazon rain forest." said Tobi, " He says he's looking for someone tropical."

" Oh, well. See you next time!"

**To Be Continued...**

" Or else!" finished Sephiroth._  
_


	33. Org Idol Part7:Interview & the Final 2

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto has no relation to Sesame Street.

**Chapter XXXIII**

**Org. Idol!**

**Part VII: Interview & The Final 2**

" Hello, and my name is Anko Mitarashi, and I am deep inside the set of Organization Idol, where the leaders of two major crime gangs will fight to the dea- Wha? SINGING? Why some sissy thing like singing? Oh well, at least I'm getting payed- they will sing to the finish, settling a 27 year old grudge between the two. Let's go ask the members and see what they think!"

DEIDARA

" I'm here with one of the most vicious- and girliest- members of Akatsuki, Deidara!"

Deidara walked onset, looking very sick.

" Dude, what happened?" asked Anko, giving Dei a seperate microphone.

" Nothing, I- GRAAAHH!!!"

Puke sprayed the floors and Dei's hands puked with him.

" Bad hot dogs, eh?" asked Anko, escaping the green slime.

" Cheeseburgers, actually, un." Deidara turned a sickly green and started another puking session.

" Well, I'll get back to you after you're done, 'kay?"

" Yes, un."

ITACHI

" So, Itachi, what do you think will happen at the season finale of Org Idol?"

" Huh, WHO SAID THAT?"

Itachi was wearing blind glasses and was waving a cane in Anko's face.

" Forgot your contacts, Itachi?"

" Yes, Bill Clinton, I have the nuclear missile launcher in the briefcase."

" I'm not Bill Clinton, I'm Anko!"

" Be quiet, Martha Stewart, I know you have implanted tiny alien egg sacs in your magazines, so spill the beans!"

Anko sweatdropped and left Itachi in the room, locking the door and chaining it up, putting a sign that said " Blind Emo" on the door.

" YOU CAN HIDE ALL YOU WANT, BUSH, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO FACE THE MUSIC SOMEDAY!" yelled Itachi from inside, banging the cane on the door.

TOBI

"So, Tobi, what do YOU think will happen?"

" Well, Anko, both candidates make a good point, so I'll have to settle this with the only thing I can imagine." said Tobi in a professional voice, sounding more like an anchorman then a goofball.

" Well, what'll you do?" asked Anko.

After a few moments of silence, Tobi cried out his answer.

" MYSPACE CHAT!"

He got out an orange laptop and started typing on it.

" That's it?" asked Anko.

" Yep." said Tobi, " Bye."

" At least he was the most sane person on this interview- What? Why do I have to interview the XII organization too? Fine then, LOWER MY PAY, MASASHI! IN FACT,WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GIVE ME LESS SCREENTIME AND FIND ANOTHER INTERVIEW PERSON!"

AFTER FINDING ANOTHER INTERVIEW PERSON

" Hello, I'm Sora, and I'll interview Organization XIII. Let's start with Axel!"

AXEL

" So, Axel, who do you think will win?"

" Well, Roxas-"

" I SAID NOT TO CALL ME ROXAS!"

Sora slammed the Keyblade down on Axel's head, making him dissapear.

" You never saw that, okay?" said Sora, backing towards the door.

ZEXION

" Soooo... what do YOU think?"

"..."

"Pretty silent, eh?"

"...xemnasrules..."

" Wha?"

" Nothing!"

" Well, why are you so-"

"-tall?"

"Short."

"..."

"..."

" RACIST!"

Zexion got up and left the room.

LARXENE

" What do you thi-"

" GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM, BRAT!"

Larxene hurled a knive at Sora's head, barely missing him.

" Bye!" said Sora, leaving the room as quickly as possible.

" So I guess that's all of them. Stay tuned cause after the commercial break will be the big face-off! WHOO! I'm putting $20 on Leader because Xemnas fought like a GIRL! HA HA!"

**COMMERCIALS**

" We are back with Org Idol, starting the best match ever! First, we have the leader of the #1 gang in Square-Enix, XEMNAS!"

Xemnas walked onstage, smirking at Leader, who looked like he saw about to puke.

" I will start a song dedicated to nobody, as in, ME." said Xemnas.

The audience stayed quiet as though someone died.

"Losers." murmured Xemnas.

_Warm yourself by the fire, son,  
And the morning will come soon.  
I'll tell you stories of a better time,  
In a place that we once knew._

" Wow, he's so emotional." said Vexen, " Maybe I shouldn't have spiked his lunch with venom."

" Venom?" asked Axel, " I would have chopped him in half and set his insides on fire with my new spicy jalapenos."__

Before we packed our bags  
And left all this behind us in the dust,  
We had a place that we could call home,  
And a life no one could touch.

Don't hold me up now,  
I can stand my own ground,  
I don't need your help now,  
You will let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,  
I can stand my own ground,  
I don't need your help now,  
You will let me down, down, down!

Down!

Leader couldn't take it. Xemnas was beating him and it was obvious they'd choose him over himself.

" It's over." said Leader, " And I haven't even prepared a song."

" Don't give up!" yelled Tobi, " Or else I won't get to have cheese with my nachos!"__

We are the angry and the desperate,  
The hungry, and the cold,  
We are the ones who kept quiet,  
And always did what we were told.

Larxene was now making faces at Deidara, telling her she had won.

" I'm going to bomb myself, yeah." said Dei, stuffing his hands with Play-Doh.__

But we've been sweating while you slept so calm,  
In the safety of your home.  
We've been pulling out the nails that hold up  
Everything you've known.

Don't hold me up now,  
I can stand my own ground,  
I don't need your help now,  
You will let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,  
I can stand my own ground,  
I don't need your help now,  
You will let me down, down, down!

So open your eyes child,  
Let's be on our way.  
Broken windows and ashes  
Are guiding the way.

Keep quiet no longer,  
We'll sing through the day,  
Of the lives that we've lost,  
And the lives we've reclaimed.

Go!

" This is it. Once Xemy finishes, Akatsuki is done for." said Saix, wiping off a certain Saiyan's blood off his weapon.

" It's not over till the fat lady sings!" yelled Hidan, " But it looks like she's already singing Rise Against!"

" " said Saix.

" Well, to you!" said Hidan.

Soon enough, the two were cursing and cussing, while Leader was making a song from scratch.__

Don't hold me up now,  
I can stand my own ground,  
I don't need your help now,  
You will let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up now,  
I can stand my own ground,  
I don't need your help now,  
You will let me down, down, down!

Don't hold me up…  
(I don't need your help, I'll stand my ground)  
Don't hold me up…  
(I don't need your help)  
No! No! No!  
Don't hold me up!  
(I don't need your help, I'll stand my ground)  
Don't hold me up!  
(I don't need your help, I'll stand my ground)  
Don't let me down, down, down, down, down!

The audience cheered as the song was finished. Xemnas walked off stage, whipping his hair towards Leader, knocking the pen and paper out of his hands.

" Judges?" asked Sephiroth, dazed from his killing spree during the song.

" AW-SOME." said all the judges together.

" Your turn Leader," said Seph, " Can you beat that?"

" Yep." said Leader, walking onstage, " This song is dedicated to my fantasy of becoming a sailor."

Both organizations sweatdropped.

_  
So if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just to sing we love you  
And if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just for you_

" He's great!" yelled Tobi, who was eating a Quiznos sandwich.__

Racing all around the seven seas  
Chasing all the girls and making robberies  
Causing panic everywhere they go  
Party-hardy on Titanic

" He's... okay." said Xemnas, smirking.

" WHOOO!" yelled a random audience member, who turned out to be Masashi Kishimoto.__

Sailing, sailing, jumping off the railing  
Drinking, drinking, 'till the ship is sinking  
Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing  
Come, let us sing the sailor-song

" HA! Admit it, Saix, Leader's great and Xemnas sucks eggs!" said Hidan, starting his emo habit again.

" HELP! UN!" Deidara ran down screaming.

" What wrong?" asked Tobi dumbly.

" I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA BLOW UP!" yeled Dei, " GAG MY HANDS! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE CLAY OUT!"

" YAY!" yelled Tobi, strangling both hands.

" I meant MY hands, dumbell!" yelled Dei, his palms starting to turn pink.

_So if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just to sing we love you  
And if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just for you  
_

_Sailorman, you really turn me on  
Now the guys are gone, come let us get it on  
Girls like me are pretty hard to find  
So if you go, I'll kick your heine_

Suddenly, Vexen realized he hadn't spiked XEMNAS'S drink, he spiked Inuyasha's!

" AW MAN!" yelled Vexen, looking towards the dog demon.

The poison didn't kill him, but it turned him into a demon.

" RAAAHH!" yelled Inu, drawing Tetsuiga and slicing the table in half.__

Sailing, sailing, jumping off the railing  
Drinking, drinking, 'till the ship is sinking  
Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing  
Come, let us sing the sailor-song

So if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just to sing we love you  
And if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just for you

" HURRY! HURRY!" yelled Dei as his mouths started to smoke.

Tobi had strangled the hands red, but nothing worked

Next, Inu leaped onstage, holding the sword to attack. Leader did the same with a knife. Then, they fought.__

Now, let's fight  
Ha, that's not a knife, this is a knife

Sailing, sailing, jumping off the railing  
Drinking, drinking, 'till the ship is sinking  
Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing  
Come, let us sing the sailor-song

Leader flung the Testuiga, the sword fly in the air, out of the demon's hands and pointed the knife at his neck.

" WHY ISN'T ANYHING WORKING!?" yelled Deidara, sparks coming out of his hands.

" You've got to slice the hands off, ya sissy!" yelled Hidan, drawing his scythe.

" NO WAY!" yelled Deidara, " These were the only hands with mouths they had in stock!"

He held out his arms to show. They started to shake when the Tetsuiga fell down on his arms, slicing them and sending the hands across the sky, where they exploded like fireworks.

" Wow, that worked well." said Hidan, " Well, back to cussing." __

So if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just to sing we love you  
And if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just for you

I'm king of the world woo hoo  
Wow, this was great  
Yeah baby, you can sail my ship

So if we all come together, we know what to do  
We all come together just for you

Leader finished and bowed, even more applause than Xemnas. The fireworks above his head added more effect to his victory.

" Judges?" asked Seph, being taken away by the cops for slicing off every single real person's head.

" YOU ROCK DUDE!" yelled all the judges, except for the dazed Inuyasha.

" Looks like I win!" said Leader, triumphant.

" Leader, you and your organization have won Organization Idol! What's going to happen now?"

" WE'RE GOING TO TARGET!" yelled Leader, waving his trophy in the air.

Xemnas walked over and offered his hand.

" Guess you win." he said, " You're not the same old nerd anymore."

" Thanks, Xe-YOW!"

Xemnas had an extra powered joy buzzer, which shocked Leader into submission. He grabbed the trophy and ran off with Organization XIII.

" At least you have your dignity!" yelled Tobi, eating his nachos with cheese.

" Yeah." said Leader, " But HE has a trophy!"

" Oh well, we better head back, un." said Dei with no arms, " Who's gonna drive?"

" I will. " said Blue, " But we're taking MY NEW SANDMOBILE!"

" YAY!"

They all cramped inside the sandy automobile and drove back.

" Hey, who's that kid?" asked Deidara looking through the window.

" He looks like ME." said Sasori, comparing himself with the boy.

" GIVE ME MY GOURD!" yelled the boy, speeding in in them on a motorcycle.

" What gourd?" asked Blue.

" I forgot to mention that the engine of this car is run by the #1 killer in the world's gourd." said Baki, popping out of the dashboard.

" HIT THE DECK!" yelled Itachi, curling into a ball.

" YAY! TOBI GETS TO BE A HERO!" yelled Tobi, pulling out a missile launcher with the words Kalina Ann on it.

" EAT ROCKET, HOBO!" he yelled, firing a missile.

BOOM!

The kid flew into the air and landed on the wind shield.

" AAAH!" yelled Leader, leaping on Blue's lap.

" DIE!" yelled the kid, smashing the glass and grabbing Leader.

He punched him and punched him then he put his head under the wheel.

" UNCLE! UNCLE!" yelled Leader.

Suddenly, Gaara had memories of his uncle who had tryed to kill him. He grabbed his head in pain and let Leader slide under the wheel.

" I've got a plan!" said Blue.

She drove her Sandmobile into the Hokage tower, toppling it to the ground and smashing her car, not to mention the leader of a crime gang under her wheel.

" LADY TSUNADE!" yelled Shizune, " THE TOWER IS ABOUT TO FALL INTO ICHIRAKU'S AGAIN!"

" Don't be ridiculous, Shirley!" yelled the drunk Hokage, " Nothing's out there but peinguins and money!"

The tower fell near the bar, trapping all the workers and the Jonin of the 12 genin.

" WE'RE TRAPPED!" yelled Gai, " THIS IS A CHANCE TO PROVE MY STRENGTH!"

He slammed his fist into the wall, smashing it to pieces.

" And yet he can't get women to like him." said Kakashi, reading Volume1.

Just then, the Akatsuki climbed out of the rubble of the accident.

" WE'RE ALIVE" yelled Tobi, his mask removed, revealing Micheal Jackson.

" JACKSON! WE SETTLE THIS HERE AND NOW!" yelled Hidan, not knowing it was Tobi.

" BUT THIS IS A MASK!" yelled Tobi, " I'M OBITO!"

He ripped off his face to reveal Obito Uchiha.

" Anyway, we've got to kill that kid." said Kakuzu, " Anybody got spare change, all my money scattered on the ground during im-GAAAH!"

Gaara appeared behind Kakuzu and speared him in one of his many hearts.

" MY GOURD!" yelled Gaara, " NOW!"

" Here you go kid." said Sasori, giving him the gourd.

For a moment, they both just stared at one another.

" DADDY!" yelled Gaara, hugging him.

" Wha?" said Sasori.

" Looks like your a father." said Kisame, snickering.

" AAAAHH!" a scream was heard inside the fallen tower.

Then, Gai crashed through the wall and knocked back Obito.

" NEVER DISTURB A LADY WHILE SHE'S TAKING A BEER BATH!" yelled Tsunade, drenched in liquor, " AND YOU! END THIS CHAPTER ALREADY!

OKAY! OKAY!

**THE**

**END ( FINALLY!)**


	34. Ak Go To Targ Part2: Hot Cheeto Puffs

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Teletubbies are walking TVs that have no relation to disclaimers.

**Chapter XXVI**

**Akatsuki Go To Target**

**Part II: Hot Cheeto Puffs**

" All right, people." said Leader, " We will go in the building, get our stuff, and meet outside the Akatsuki Mobile at 1:00. Okay?"

" Fine." grumbled Itachi, having crashed the car into a school bus filled with Ninja Academy students, so he only had $5 to spend instead of $50.

" Then, LET's MOVE! Let's pair up. Me and Blue will get more piercings, Kakuzu will go with Hidan to the blood bank, Deidara and Sasori will shop for arts & crafts, Itachi will get the candy, and Zetsu... meat is in the freezer aisle. LET'S GO!"

The Akatsuki seperated as Orochimaru followed them inside...

PEIN & BLUE

" All right, piercings are on the second floor." said Blue, gazing at the directory.

Leader was too busy gazing at something else to answer.

" Blue." he said dazily, " Look."

Blue saw Leader pointing at a bag of Hot Cheeto Puffs at the top shelf.

" If you want it, get it." said Blue, leaving for piercings.

" No!" said Leader, " I need you to fly up there and get it! It's the last bag!"

" So?"

" I want it!"

Blue sighed, " Fine."

She summoned her wings and grabbed the bag.

" Happy now?" asked Blue as Leader snatched the bag out of her hands.

" YEP!" He ripped the bag open and ate one of the puffs.

" HEY!" A security guard walked by to see Leader snacking on a bag of chips, " YOU DIDN'T PAY!"

" So?" asked Leader, eating another Cheeto.

Two minutes later, Leader and Blue were kicked out and all they had left with was $100 and Leader's fingers with Hot Cheeto powder.

" Now what do we do?" asked Blue as Leader started on his fingers.

" We go sneak through the back, duh." said Leader, wiping his fingers on the blacktop.

" How?" asked Blue.

" I can get you through."

Leader and Blue were startled to see Orochimaru and Kabuto standing before them.

" You can!" asked Leader, his pupils replaced with Hot Cheeto Puffs.

" Of course!" said Orochi, " In exchange for bringing me back."

" NO!" yelled Blue, making a paper snake and crushing it.

" Fine, then Lord Orochimaru will go in by himself." said Kabuto, he and his master walking through the automatic doors.

" Aw man!" yelled Blue, " Now I can't get that cute little piercing above my eyebrow!"

" And I can't pierce a bag of Hot Cheetos to my lower lip so I can snack all the time!"

Suddenly, Choji walked through the doors, his bags filled with bags of chips... AND HOT CHEETO PUFFS!

" I got a plan." said Leader slyly, slipping towards the fat boy.

" Excuse me." said Leader, " But your car has a broken window in it."

" OH MAN!" yelled Choji, " I DIDN'T KNOW I HAVE A CAR!"

" Then you better go claim it!" shooed Leader, grabbing the bag of Hot Cheeto puffs from the bag.

" You really ARE evil, aren't you?" asked Blue.

" Yep." said Leader, munching in the stolen puffs, " I am weak to their cheesy flavor."

" But Hot Cheetos don't taste like cheese." said Blue, lookin at the bag, " Wait a minute! These are regular Cheeto puffs!"

Suddenly, Leader spit them out.

" BUT I'M ALLERGIC TO CHEESE!" he yelled.

Then, he broke out in hives.

" Better get back in the car." sighed Blue, dragging Leader across the parking lot.

" I bet Kakuzu and Hidan are having the time of their lives in the store." said Blue.

Oh, you wish...

**To Be Continued**...


	35. Ak Go To TargPart3: Blood n' Cash

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Poe keeps cigars in his pouch.

**Chapter XXXV**

**Akatsuki Go To Target!**

**Part III: Blood n' Cash**

Kakuzu and Hidan were outside the blood department when suddenly, Cousin Drake appeared.

" Drake!" said Hidan, giving him a hug.

" BLOR THUY!" (translation: GET OFF ME!)

" Where have you been?" asked Hidan.

" BLOOD BLOO." (Translvania, emo.)

" Well, we're going to get blood now." said Hidan, going towards the blood bank, " BYE!"

As they walked through the doors, Kakuzu felt a chill up his spine.

" It's beautiful, isn't it?" asked Hidan, gazing at the sight before him.

The whole room was gray, and jars of blood with names on them were on the walls.

" I'm they're number one customer!" Hidan guestured to a sign that had a picture of Hidan that said " DO NOT ACCEPT CHECKS FROM THIS MAN"

Kakuzu sweatdropped.

Hidan rang the bell and a man in a black cape appeared.

" Vat do you vant?" asked the man.

" I'd like 6 gallons of you're finest negative O, please!" said Hidan, passing him a $50 bill.

" Blood comes in vun type only!" yelled Dracula, " NEGATIVE O!"

" That's what I asked for, -O!" said Hidan, getting impatient.

" Vatever." Drac said, passing Hidan one of the jars, " 50 vucks."

As Hidan passed the bill to Dracula, Kakuzu grabbed it.

" VAT ARE YOU DOING VIT MY MONEY!?" yelled Dracula, his eyes turning red.

" We are not going to use this money to buy unnessascary things like blood!" yelled Kakuzu.

" But I need that money or I'm gonna get kicked out of the W.B.A.W.P.O.I."

" Yes!" hissed the vampire, " Za " Ve Bleed And Ve're Proud Of It " Club!"

" Vatever!" said Kakuzu, hearing the Count so much he talked like him.

" RAAAH!" Hidan knocked Kakuzu to the ground to get the bill, but Kakuzu kept him at bay.

" VAT IZ VIT ALL ZE VIOLENCE NOWADAYS!?" yelled Dracula, going to the backroom. I don't want to say what happened in there, but he had a bunch of mandatory donors to take care of...

" GIVE ME IT!" yelled Hidan.

" NO WAY, JOSE!" yelled Kakuzu, pushing him off.

" FINE THEN!" Hidan drew his scythe and brought down the blade.

Kakuzu dodged but their was nothing he could do for the $50 dollar bill.

SLICE!

The blade sliced the green paper in half.

" NOOOO!" screamed Hidan, " Now how am I supposed to get blood?"

" Smuggle it." said Kakuzu, grabbing the jar and hiding it under his cloak, " No problem."

" I SAW ZAT!" Count drew a wooden stake and ran after them.

" GET AWAY!" yelled the two.

" DEIDARA AND SASORI CAN'T BE HAVING A WORSE TIME!" yelled Hidan.

That's what YOU think...

**To Be Continued...**


	36. Ak Go To Targ Part4: Clay Puppets

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Dora the Explorer has no relation to Naruto.

**Chapter XXXVI**

**Akatsuki Go To Target**

**Part VI: Clay Puppets**

Sasori and Deidara walked across the aisle, browsing the cans of paint and Play-Doh around them.

" Let's see, un." wondered Dei, " Regular Play-Doh, Diet Play-Doh.. AHA! Explosive Play-Doh!"

Sasori was testing some paint when suddenly-BAM!

A giant boulder squashed Sasori into the ground, smashing his body and proppeling his head towards - BOP!- Deidara's.

" Wha waz zat?" asked Sasori.

He then looked up to see a kid in green spandex throwing boulders on top of innocent people.

" YOUTH!" he yelled, throwing a boulder on top of Deidara.

" Ow, un." he replied sorely.

" Well, I'm broken." said Sasori, rolling towards Deidara, " Now fix me me."

"I can't , un."

" Why not?"

" All I have is clay, yeah."

" Then make me a clay body."

" No, un."

" What'd you say?"

" No."

" WHY NOT?"

"I'm broken too and my arms have popped out on impact and now, they're running across the aisles.

DEIDARA'S HANDS

The little hands were running across the aisles, holding fingers, when they bumped into something.

" Huh? What's this?"

Neji picked up one of the hands, having it bite him.

" OW!" He dropped the hand, cluthching his bleeding hand.

" THAT'S IT! YOU'RE DEAD!" He ran after the hand and stepped on it.

" HA!" he said. But the other hand bit him on the ankle.

" OW!"

As Neji hopped on one foot, one hand threw down a can of soda on Neji's- CRACK!- skull.

The soda burst open and knocked Neji unconcious. Victorious, the two hands slapped fingers and strolled back to Deidara.

DEIDARA & SASORI

Sasori rolled, trying to break Deidara free.

" QUIT IT!" yelled Deidara, trying to stand up off the boulder.

" TIMBER!" yelled Rock Lee, when suddenly, - BAM!- the bulder fell on top of Deidara's boulder, cracking both to pieces.

" I'M FREE!" yelled Deidara, shopping the aisles again.

" But I'm just a head now." said Sasori, depressed.

" Fine then." sighed Deidara, shaping the clay to a body.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

" Uh, Dei?" asked sasori.

" Yes, un?"

" Something's wrong with my clay body."

" What?"

" I'M A MIGDET!"

It was true. Deidara only had enough clay to make his body at about 1/3 of his real size.

" So?"

Sasori hissed at Deidara, getting spit all over him.

" Okay, but first let me buy more clay first, I'm out, un."

" Fine."

Deidara held Sasori's hand walking down the aisle, making it look like a mom leading her child down the aisles.

" Well, at least Zetsu's having fun."

It's actually the complete opposite...

**To Be Continued...**


	37. Ak Go To TargPart5: Dog Eat Plant World

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Naruto ain't anybodies cept some Japanese dude.

**Chapter XXXIII**

**Akatsuki Go To Target!**

**Part V: Dogs Are Goood!**

" London broil, pork chops, T-bone..."

Zetsu was scanning the choices as he walked through the sun-filled slaughterhouse, as happy as a kid with Christmas presents.

" _**Get the rotten carcass**_." said his dark side, "_** I like it after a few days of rotting.."**_

" You're sick, you know that?" said the white side, picking out a fresh piece of pork chop.

Zetsu chowed down on the rotten and fresh peices of meat, satisfying himself with every bite.

" _**Well, looky here..." **_said the dark half, " _**A morsel, fresh the way I like it..."**_

" I thought you liked it rotten." said the white side, a piece of meat dangling from his plant trap thing.

" _**Shut up!" **_said the dark side, " _**Just look at the food!"**_

Zetsu looked down to see a tiny dog who had wandered away from his master.

" _**LET'S EAT!" **_yelled the dark half, making Zetsu charge after the dog.

" NO!" The white side punched himself in the stomach, making him bend over in pain, " He probably belongs to someone else!"

The two sides argued at each other like an old couple fighting over the last cup of tapioca pudding.

" HEY!" Zetsu turned around to see a boy with a hooded gray jacket with black things on the edges of the hood and sleeves, " Give back Akamaru!"

" Akamaru?" Zetsu picked up the scared puppy and looked at a name tag saying AKAMARU.

"_** Why should I give this dog to a mere mortal?" **_asked Zetsu's black half, " _**I found it!"**_

" But I own him!" said Kiba, approachimg Zetsu, " So give him!"

" We better give him back." said Zetsu's white half, giving the dog to Kiba.

" _**NO!" **_yelled the black half, yanking away Akamaru just before Kiba could take him, " _**This is MY lunch, and there's nothing you could do about it!!"**_

" RAAAH!!!!" Kiba started charging at him, causing Zetsu to run away.

" RUN AWAY!" yelled both sides, charging for the door inside Target.

The two ran inside, the shoppers astounded at the sight of a walking plant running away from an insane little boy.

" GIVE ME MY DOG!!" yelled Kiba, speeding up.

" _**NEVER!" **_yelled the black half.

Zetsu ran into the Furniture section, throwing down large chairs and tables to block Kiba's way.

" Kurenai-sensei, why is Kiba chasing that plant?" asked Hinata, only one aisle away.

" Just look away, Hinata." said Kurenai, " Kiba just didn't take his medication today."

" GIVE ME MY DOG!!!!!"

"_** NEVER, DOUCHEBAG!"**_

The two then started running through every aisle, causing destruction as they went.

"_** SAYONARA, FLEA-MAGNET!" **_yelled the black half, ramming into a wall into the parking lot.

Zetsu got into the Akatsuki Mobile and drove towards home.

" Huh? Who's there?"

Zetsu turned around to see Leader with many red bumps and a sleeping Blue.

" What happened to YOU?" asked the white half.

" Allergies."

" _**Maybe it came from yo momma."**_

" QUIT IT!"

Zetsu drove only to see Kiba had hijacked a bus filled with Ninja Academy students.

" What's going on?" asked Konohamaru, tied up to his seat with the rest of his classmates.

" Maybe that guy is kidnapping us." said Udon, looking over at the driver's seat to see Kiba's head poking over the top.

The bus drove in front of the Akatsuki Mobile, causing it to halt to a screeching stop.

SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!

" What do YOU want?" asked Zetsu, hlding Akamaru in his free hand.

" My dog." said Kiba, " Or the kids get it."

He pulled out a pistol with the word Ivory on it and pointed it at the head of a kid from the first episode.

" Whatever." said Zetsu, sniffing the dog a bit, " _**Needs more salt. I could probably dip him in chipotle sauce for flavor."**_

" Fine then." said Kiba, cocking the gun.

BAM!

The gun fired and killed all the kids in the seat, the one bullet whizzing into their skulls and going through the window.

" I think he's serious." whispered Moegi to her friends.

" OF COURSE HE'S SERIOUS! HE'S GOT A GUN THAT'S LOADED AND HE JUST KILLED OFF THREE PEOPLE WHO'S STORIES WERE ABOUT TO BE REVEALED TWO YEARS FROM NOW!" screeched Konohamaru at the top of his lungs.

" QUIET KID!" yelled Kiba, " Or you go next."

Konohamaru gulped at the sight of the gun at his head.

" Fine, I don't care." said Zetsu camly.

" Fine." whispered Kiba, pushing down on the trigger, when suddenly, BANG!

Kiba's gun was fired out of his hand by... DANTE?

" TELL THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY TO STOP STEALING MY GUNS!" he yelled, pulling out his sword and slicing through the bus' windshield.

" RUN!" yelled Kiba, getting out of the car and going towards Target again.

" Might as well burn down the bus." sighed Dante throwing a lit ciggarete under the hood.

" Oh (beep)." went Konohamaru as the bus exploded, the blast sending the Akatsuki Mobile flying back into the Target parking lot- on top of Kiba.

" That was anti-climatic." said Zetsu.

So the three Akatsuki rested in the car while Itachi met his brother again...

**To Be Continued...**


	38. AkGoToTargetPart 6:Escape From Vengeance

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: All animes belong to the Japanese.

**Chapter XXXIV**

**Akatsuki Go To Target!**

**Part V: Escape From Vengeance**

" I don't get why I've got to get the candy." muttered Itachi under his breath, " It wasn't MY fault I hit that bus, I was on a good book."

He then browsed an assortment of taffy.

" Perfect for Deidara." he said, getting a box of Laffy Taffy, " But don't they sell Snickers anymore?"

He looked throught the aisle, but couldn't find his candy.

" Great." whispered Itachi, setting a section of Fun Dip on fire.

He then heard someone singing the Snicker song. Sorry, but I can't remember how it goes! He looked and saw a small teen who was wearing a cowboy hat and was playing the guitar with a Snickers bar.

" SNICKERS!" yelled Itachi, diving for the chocolate.

" GOTCHA!" Sasuke ripped off the hat and Chidori'd his brother.

KA-CHIDORI'D!

" Huh?" Sasuke looked and saw he had struck his hand through a log.

" I'm not THAT stupid, brother." said Itachi from behind, eating the Snicker, " Dang, no almonds."

" AW MAN! NOT ANOTHER LOG!" said Sasuke, ripping the log off his arm, " ITACHIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!"

The two brothers broke into a run, toppling into a certain silver haired Jonin and made his book topple to the ground.

" MY MANGA!" yelled Kakashi under Itachi and Sasuke.

" Wait a minute." said Itachi, " Icha Icha's a MANGA now?"

" Compete with pictures!" said Kakashi hoaresly, Itachi's foot on his throat.

" Huh?" Sasuke picked up the book and became mesmerized as he read.

" Better run!" yelled Itachi, running towards the exit with a pocket full of unpaid candy.

" HEY! THAT GUY SET OFF THE ALARM!" yelled a guard, " GET HIM!"

All the security guards ran after Itachi, followed by Sasuke. They then ran into the clerk of the blood bank.

" MY STAKE!" yelled the shopkeeper, " VIT IZ RAMMED VRU MY HEART! ZE IRNY!"

He then dropped dead.

" HOORAY!" cheered Hidan and Kakuzu, helping up Itachi.

" We owe you." said Hidan.

" Just not money-wise." added Kakuzu.

" Then kill those guards." said Itachi, pointing at the pile of people.

" Got it." Hidan pulled out his scythe and began the MA violence.

" Sasori, are you happy with your new body, yeah?" asked Deidara as they exited the mall.

" No." said Sasori, " Not at all."

" Why, un?"

" I'M A BIRD!"

Sasori flew out of the doors, his new bird body pirching on the top of a van.

" All right, I'll change you, un." said Deidara, accidently grabbing his Explosive Play-Doh instead of regular...

" Leader, are you all right?" asked Zetsu White as Leader's bumps slowly shrunk.

" HE'S OKAY!" cried Blue.

" What happened?" asked Leader, sitting up and rubbing his head.

" You ate regular Cheetos." said Blue, who had snuck in the mall and gotten her eyebrow peircing.

" Well, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" yelled Leader, starting the engine.

" WAIT FOR US!" yelled Hidan, Kakuzu, and Itachi, running with the car.

" OKAY!" yelled Leader, pushing the brake.

Nothing happened.

" OOPS!" yelled Leader, " I FORGOT TO REPLACE THE BRAKE FLUID!"

" Oh (beep)" said Hidan, huffing and puffing.

" DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Sasuke, charging another Chidori.

" GIVE ME MY DOG!!!!" yelled Kiba, now on a pair of roller blades.

" YOUTH!" yelled Lee with another boulder.

" I WILL AVENGE MY FATHER!" yelled the son of the clerk, waving a flaming chainsaw over his head.

" CHUBBIES RULE!" yelled Choji in a boulder roll, realizing he had one less bag of Cheetos.

" They're here to kill us!" yelled Kakuzu, " And I haven't even bought life insurance!"

The criminals followed the van all the way to the lair, where Sasori ex-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

-ploded.

Everybody who had followed them were blown all the way back to Konoha.

" Wha happened?" wondered Sasori, who was just a head again.

" THE HUNDO STUNK!" yelled Tobi, "  
THE TV BLEW UP!"

" Oh my god." said Leader," The lair! It's gone!"

Everybody then turned to Deidara.

" Deidara..." they all said.

" Un?"

They all chased the blonde member of Akatsuki, the end of their home, day, and many adventures... For now, anyway...

**THE):**

**:) END!(:**


	39. Epilouge

**The Akatsuki Stories**

Disclaimer: Masashi will never end Akatsuki.

**Epilouge**

**Itachi:**

After the Target incident, Itachi left Konoha and moved to Suna to escape Sasuke's treachery.

**Tobi:**

He revealed his true identity as Obito and is still explaining himself in prison.

**Kisame:**

Kisame began living with his parents, and soon married a young squid.

**Zetsu:**

The plant man went back to his roots at Demonic Plants Inc. and is raising young acorns.

**Deidara:**

Deidara got a job at Konoha College and is teaching how to kill with clay.

**Sasori:**

Sasori went to a gypsy and was told he'd be killed by an old lady and pink-hared girl two years from now...

**Hidan:**

The immortal inherited Cousin Drake's fortune of blood and lives happily in Transylvania.

**Kakuzu:**

Kakuzu faked his age and recieves checks from Social Service everyday.

**Blue:**

Blue has overthrown Leader and became the new leader.

**Leader: **

Leader was overthrown, and is now working at In-n-Out.

**Sasuke:**

Sasuke has left with evil Orochimaru to defeat brother, Go figure.

**Kakashi:**

Kakashi left to work with Jiraiya in the book buisness.

**Kiba:**

Kiba has tried cats for a change, and has liked them ever since.

**Akamaru:**

Akamaru was digested.

**Cousin Drake:**

Cousin Drake was killed by a splinter in the heart.

**Neji:**

Neji is still in the asylum when nobody believed his story about two hands attacking him.

**Gaara:**

Gaara is now living with Sasori, convinced he's his father.

**Baki:**

Was beaten up by rouge Eskimos.

**Xemnas:**

Xemnas melted Leader's trophy into a solid gold toilet seat. OO

**Organization XIII**

They were all mysteriously killed by a boy named Sora.

**Sora:**

Was kept in a giant sleeping pod.

**Judges:**

All mysteriously dead.

**Goku:**

Dead.

**Sephiroth:**

Arrested for killing of entire studio audience.

**Cloud:**

Was confinded in an asylum for no reason at all.

**Shippuden 90706**

Shippuden is still writing the sequel to this story...

**THE**

**END**


End file.
